


In her orbit

by nats_bao



Series: Tumblr Reader Inserts [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Avenger Reader (Marvel), Awesome Wanda Maximoff, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Gen, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other, Pining, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Reader-Insert, Stucky - Freeform, Sub Natasha Romanov, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25876096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nats_bao/pseuds/nats_bao
Summary: "I love you. I don't want to."Attempting to hold onto Natasha was like trying to cup smoke in your bare hands. A fruitless endeavor. And you were never one to bet on a losing game.Uploading to both here and my tumblr: @jumbojamba47
Relationships: Avengers Team & Reader, Avengers Team/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Reader, Wanda Maximoff/Reader, natasha romanov x reader
Series: Tumblr Reader Inserts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877701
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. Guest Room

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fanfic and I really don’t know what possessed me to write it. I was listening to this song Guest Room by Echos and the idea just wouldn’t leave me alone and well… desperate times, desperate measures. Taking things into my own hands and all that jazz. I highly recommend giving the song a listen while reading. I hurt my own feelings writing this. I wrote this from a female perspective but it can be read as gender neutral!

A sharp gasp fills the air as heated skin meets cold tile. Slender fingers curl and uncurl; tugging at your scalp from above. Your name reverently whispered through kiss-swollen lips as if in prayer. Muffled grunts and moans escape from clenched teeth as though afraid that any louder sound might halt your ministrations. Rivulets of water, long-since gone cold, rush down your bodies, pooling where you knelt in worship of the red-headed angel in front of you. Despite the ache in your limbs and your own needs screaming for attention, you remained steadfast in your determination to push Natasha over the edge as many times as you were able. You knew, these private moments of intimacy were the closest you could ever get to keeping the elusive beauty in your arms tethered to you. 

It all started with a mission in Bogotá. The two of you had completed the objective but had to wait for extraction overnight in a safehouse with one master room and a smaller guestroom. 

“You can go ahead and have the bigger room (y/n/n). Odin knows you did most of the heavy lifting this time around,” she said with a chuckle as she stepped into the guest room.

“There’s a big enough bed, you could always join me Romanoff,” you joked with a wink. 

Later that night you were unwinding in bed when you heard a knock on your door.

“Coming!” You yelled, pulling the door open.

“Need someth-” your eyes widened as you felt soft lips meld against your own.

She pulled away. 

“What are you doing?” You asked, bewildered.

“Taking you up on your offer,” she pushes you towards the bed with a cheeky grin.

That was 6 months ago. Since then, you felt a subtle shift in your relationship with Natasha. Whilst around the others her interactions with you drifted towards a platonic aloofness that, while not cold, alluded to nothing of the times you found yourself unceremoniously shoved into a supply closet or pressed into a locked conference room door; always faced with an eager red-head ready to pick up where you last left off. Each time, your hidden trysts end just as quickly as they begin with Natasha immediately straightening her appearance and slipping out the door as soon as she made sure the coast was clear. Each time, you felt your heart crack a little more as you felt the phantom weight of her lithe body in your arms as you stood alone watching her quick movements. 

Now you find yourself kneeling on the floor of the assassin’s shower after she dragged you in following a heavy morning training session. Your hands grip the back of toned thighs as the burning in Natasha’s core reaches its crescendo.

Through the open door leading into her bedroom, you hear F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice ring out, “Mr. Stark is requesting your presence to go over tonight’s details in 30 minutes, Ms. Romanoff.”

Breathless, chest heaving, she responds, “I’ll be there.” 

Rising from the floor, your arms circle around her to reach for the removable showerhead while steadily supporting the still shuddering woman. You gently maneuver the water to rinse away the last of the soap and lingering fluids from both your bodies. It was only in these quiet moments after a rendezvous in a more private setting that Natasha allowed you to indulge in your more tender proclivities without protest as she settles down from her high. You shut the water off before swiftly stepping out and wrapping a towel around your body. You grab a secondary towel and take more care in drying off Natasha’s body, pressing into her skin ensuring you gently knead her sore muscles with firm hands as you go. Once satisfied, you wrap her body snugly, bring your arms around her back and beneath her legs and carry her into her room, lightly setting her on the edge of her bed before moving to her closet. Turning your head slightly to ask what she’d like to wear, you think you see a flicker of something soft in her eyes, but, just as quickly, it’s gone only to be replaced by a teasing smirk as her eyes trail up and down your towel-clad form.  
“Keep treating me like this and I might just have to make you mine,” she husks out. 

“I wish you would…,” you mumble under your breath. But the assassin catches it and lets out a sigh. She stands and smoothly pads closer to you laying a hand on your shoulder. 

“You know I can’t.”

“I really don’t.” 

She steps away from you. Her hand drops to her side as she moves to rummage in her closet. You move to grab your own day clothes from your discarded gym bag. Dropping the towel to pull on a matching set of black lace undergarments, she turns to you. And fuck, it’s not fair of her to stand there underdressed as she is when you want to have a serious conversation with her. 

“This?” her finger points between you and her, “is just casual sex. We’re scratching an itch and it can’t be more than that.”

“But why not?” you ask as your pull on your shirt. 

“Why are you so afraid to give us a try?”

She slams her drawer shut. “I’m not afraid of anything!” she growls. 

“You? Me? We’re nothing. There is nothing to try. You’re a good fuck (y/l/n) but that’s all this can be. If you’re not satisfied with that then tough shit, I’m sorry.”

Jaw clenched; you look her in the eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry too,” you grit out. 

You grip your bag tightly and exit the room without looking back. Carelessly, you toss your bag into your room down the hall without breaking your stride. Pausing at the end of the hallway, “Shit,” you exhale under your breath, running a hand down your face. 

You make your way into the common room only to find Steve and Bucky staring at the large flat screen in confusion, a cartoon depiction of a sea sponge competing with a starfish, seemingly attempting to win the affections of his grandmother? Or was that an anthropomorphic cookie? With a heavy sigh you plop yourself down on the couch between them, kicking your legs up onto Steve’s lap and laying your head in Bucky’s. Cool metal fingertips softly run along your temples in a soothing massage as both men turn to you in mildly concerned curiosity. 

Upon release from Shuri’s custody, Bucky found himself immediately accosted by you and your self-appointment as the one in charge of his rehabilitation into polite society. Refusing to leave his side outside of mandatory missions, Steve, by default, wound up lumped into your “educational excursions” and “lessons in everything a modern person of refined taste, no-fuck-you-Tony-your-opinion-doesn’t-count-you-raised-yourself-on-a-steady-diet-of-debauchery-and-sin, would enjoy”. The prolonged exposure to your generally sunny disposition led to both men silently agreeing to adopt you under their wing; and so, your Brooklyn Boys became fiercely protective over you, often drawing comparisons of co-parenting mother hens hovering over their tiny chick from your amused teammates. 

“Why the sigh, malen’kiy d’yavol?” grunts Bucky.

You stare blankly at the ceiling as Steve gently rubs circles around your ankle with his thumb. Turning your head to bury your face into the ex-soldier’s warm stomach, a muffled “Am I unlovable?” leaves your mouth in a broken whisper.

Your quiet words are picked up by their enhanced hearing and they share quick perturbed glances. Bucky moves his arm under you, pulling you into his lap, drawing you close, ensuring your head is tucked securely into his neck just below his chin. Steve moves with him so he can maintain a comforting hold on your legs over his. 

“Anyone would be lucky to have you doll. If anyone is worthy of love it’s you,” Steve tells you with confidence. 

“I’m gonna kill Romanoff,” you hear Bucky grumble under his breath to Steve, thinking you couldn’t hear him. 

Your fingers clench around the pocket of Bucky’s sweater. Your boys knew. Of course they did. You couldn’t hide your affection for the Black Widow from them if you tried. While the others might be able to write off your attention to the stunning Venus as simple admiration for a fellow teammate, they knew just how deeply your true feelings ran. 

“Then why doesn’t she want me?” Tears gather at the corners of your eyes, but you refuse to let them fall. 

Steve exhales slowly and looks back to the screen in front of him.

“No one really knows what’s going on in that head of hers, but your happiness is our priority right now. You deserve the world and if she can’t see that then that’s her loss,” he nudges his boyfriend.

Arms tightening around you, Bucky nods his head in agreement. 

“The old man is right. How about the three of us go take your mind off things?” Slowly standing, he pulls you up to your feet.

“You can help me find Steve an outfit for tonight. I’m sure with a little convincing, we can get the Star-spangled Man with a Plan to wear a patriotic tie the whole night.” He winks at you as you let out a small snort.

“Go ahead. Laugh it up. One of these days you’re going to need to know something about war bonds and we’ll see who’s laughing then,” he retorts with a roll of his eyes. 

xxxx

Glancing at your reflection in the mirror, you adjusted the sleeveless buttonup with detached cuffs, leaving enough buttons undone to reveal a plunging neckline, before tucking it into your high-waisted form-fitting black pants. In a bid to pull yourself out of your funk, you decided to go all out for tonight’s festivities. You slip on a pair of black shoes, give your outfit one final check, nodding to yourself, and make your way out the door. 

Tonight, Tony saw fit to throw a good luck party for your first long-term recon mission with you leading your own team before you left the next morning. As you made your way to the large gathering you steeled yourself for the impending emotions that would inevitably hit you as soon as you saw the face that had been plaguing your dreams nearly every night since that fateful mission. 

“Eyes up, (y/l/n). You’re made of stronger stuff than this. If she doesn’t want you then don’t waste your time. You’re worth more than this,” you say to yourself as you stride towards the double doors. 

You straighten your shoulders, draw yourself up to your full height, and confidently step into the gathering. 

“There she is! The hero of the hour! Give it up for our very own (y/hero/n).” Tony struts towards you; your favorite drink already outstretched in his hand. 

He claps you on the back and slings an arm over your shoulders leading you towards the crowd as you hear cheers from the party goers in attendance. 

“Soak it up buttercup. All this is for you. Feels good doesn’t it?” 

Your eyes drift to the side where you see Natasha in a black cocktail dress flirting with another attendee, her eyes glance at you before turning her attention back to her companion. You swallow the sharp sting of pain threatening to rise and mentally give yourself a shake. 

“You’ve really outdone yourself this time Tony, let’s party!” you exclaim with more enthusiasm than you can bring yourself to feel. 

He gives you his biggest grin, “Now that’s what I like to hear!” 

He steers you through the crowd, you both pause to greet various members of the party as you recognize your friends and coworkers before leading you to Steve and Bucky who are seated on a pair of loungers across from Wanda and Rhodey. 

“Hey Mama Bear, Papa Bear, here’s little Baby Bear. Make sure you keep an eye on them. I saw more than a few vultures in the crowd who looked ready to steal them away at a moment’s notice.” He sauntered away with a wink. 

“Looking good dollface,” Steve grins at you. 

Bucky and Rhodey are quick to agree. Across the way you see Wanda raking her sight up and down your body with hooded eyes. Making eye contact, you wink, she blushes at being caught before sending you a shy smile. 

As the night goes on and drinks are consumed, you continue to laugh with your friends. You’ve moved to the opposite couch next to Wanda as Rhodey takes up the space in the middle of your group to reenact the night Tony, black out drunk, stumbled into the RA’s room instead of their shared dorm back in college. 

Unable to hold yourselves up from laughing so hard, you and Wanda lean into each other for support. 

Suddenly the main lights dim and colorful strobe lights fill the room. You feel a heavy bass begin to thump through your chest and a drunken Wanda yells, “I LOVE THIS SONG!” She leans into your side and whispers, “Come dance with me,” into your ear. 

Grinning widely, you nod your head and let yourself be pulled up and led to the dance floor amid cheers and wolf whistles from your friends. Immediately spinning around, Wanda presses her backside against your front, slowly dragging her hands up and into your hair. You lean forward, your hands finding a comfortable grip on her hips, pulling her closer, guiding her movements. 

Across the room, Natasha watches you grind together, her jaw clenches. She throws back another shot. Behind the bar, Clint shifts his eyes from her angry form to you.

“You know, if you really like her that much you might want to head over there and get your girl.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Tasha. I’d like to think I know you better than most.”

She gives him a quirk of an eyebrow and her best side-eye. 

“Okay so I may have been crawling through the vents when I saw you all but crawling up her like a ladder in Conference Room A,” he huffs out with a roll of his eyes. 

She stiffens. 

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“I think it does. Now, I don’t know why you’re trying to pretend like I don’t catch you staring at her whenever you think no one else is looking. But are you going to go over there and get your girl or are you just going to sit here and watch her fall into the arms of someone else?”

“She’s not my anything,” she mumbles into her glass, “she’s a big girl she can decide to screw whoever she wants.”

Clint shakes his head but says nothing more. They both watch as Wanda turns in your arms, wrapping her own around your neck, slotting her leg between yours, drawing even closer. Growing bold, she begins to press kisses along your neck leading up to your ear. You tilt your head back giving her further access as you continue to move to the rhythm. 

“You know, she’s assigned to go on that mission with (y/n). With an undetermined timeline, who knows how long she’ll have to make (y/n) her-” 

With a loud clink, Natasha throws back her last shot and slams it down on the countertop. Without giving Clint a chance to finish his sentence, Natasha finds herself pushing through the crowd towards you and Wanda. She’s a woman on a mission as she wraps her hand around your arm pulling you from Wanda’s grasp and without looking back, she drags you towards her room. She ignores your protests as she kicks her door open before pushing you against the wall and pressing her lips to yours in a heated kiss. 

Stunned, your lips move against hers before your alcohol addled brain catches up to what’s happening. Your hands find her shoulders as you gently push her away and make space between the two of you. Confusion clouds your features as she hungrily stares at you while hastily slipping down the straps of her dress. 

“Nat? What the fuck?” 

“Shut up,” she growls, before attacking your lips again.  
“No,” comes out of your mouth in a muffled groan. You push her away harder this time.

“What the hell are you doing?” You stare at her incredulously. 

“I’m trying to have a little fun before you take off. What? Are you waiting for a formal invitation?” 

You scoff in disbelief. “No. No no no. I’m not doing this with you Natasha.”

“Doing what?” She stares at you with furrowed brows.

“This! This fucked up charade of you claiming you don’t have any feelings for me!”

“I don’t! We’re just friends who like to have a little fun sometimes, (y/n/n).”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I’m stupid or are you just blind?! Friends don’t look at each other the way I look at you! Friends don’t get jealous when they see their “friend” with someone else then proceed to drag them away to stake their claim!” You’re beyond angry. Sick of feeling like a yoyo constantly tugged up and down and thrown away in boredom. 

“Well what do you want me to say?”

“TELL ME I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU! TELL ME THAT EVERY MINUTE I SPEND PRAYING TO ANYONE WHO’LL HEAR ME FOR EVEN AN IOTA OF YOUR AFFECTION ISN’T A WASTE OF MY LUNGS” Tears are streaming down your face. You bite back a sob as you draw your arms around yourself in a protective hold. 

“Tell me you feel the same way I do,” you whisper as your voice cracks. 

Tears in her own eyes, “I can’t,” Natasha exhales without making eye contact. 

Slowly, you nod. 

“Okay.”

Your eyes trace over her face one last time. 

You turn and as she hears your footsteps head towards the door, her head snaps up. 

“Where are you going?” She rushes out with hesitation coating her voice.

“I’m leaving.”

She reaches out a hand, but you step away.

Undeterred, “No, stay we can still talk things out as friends.” She implores.  
Coldly, you make eye contact.

“You made it perfectly clear this morning, Natasha. We’re nothing.”

She chokes on a whimper. 

With a stiff nod you exit her room and with a slam of her door, you’re gone. 

Unbeknownst to you, Natasha drops to her knees. 

xxxx

You head down the hall angrily wiping the tears away from your eyes. You refuse to spare any more of your heart for someone who clearly couldn’t care less whether or not it breaks. 

Trying to hold on to Natasha feels like attempting to cup smoke in your bare hands. A fruitless endeavor. You were never one to bet on a losing game. 

You swing your door open only to be met with Steve and Bucky grinning and ready to help you pack for your mission and rib on you about your impending time with Wanda.

Their smiles immediately drop when they take in your tear-stained face. Both men rush to your side and draw you into their arms, holding you between them. Your boys could feel their hearts shatter as they listened to your broken stops. If the sound of your cries could hurt them this much, they couldn’t fathom how you yourself were feeling. 

“We’re here, Kroshka, what do you need?”

You whimpered and buried yourself further into their hold. 

“That’s enough,” you sniffled. 

After a moment, you pulled away drawing yourself together.

“I’m done with her,” you state.

They both nod. 

“When you’re back, we’ll make sure you never have to be alone with her again,” Steve asserts with a nod of finality.

You send them both a grateful look as they begin to help you gather everything you’ll need to last at least 2 months. 

xxxx

It’s early morning when Clint finds Natasha in the gym Sweat drips down from her hairline as she takes out every emotion she refuses to acknowledge on the innocent training dummy. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you’d be in the hangar sending off your new boo with a kiss?”

“Not my anything,” she grunts, punctuated with a roundhouse kick to the dummy’s jugular. 

“You literally pulled a scene from a rom-com out of your ass, dragging (y/l/n) away from her own party and your rival in love, and they’re STILL not yours?” He levels her with his most disapproving, disappointed dad stare.

“Fuck off Clint, I’m not in the mood.” 

“Well a little birdy told me that Wanda is extra excited for this chance to ask (y/n) on a proper date after they’re back”

“Not my problem. If they want to open their legs to the first person who offers let them.”

“Wow. Harsh. What happened?”

She delivered a sharp jab to the dummy’s solar plexus.

“She said we’re nothing.”

“That couldn’t have come from nowhere.”

She pauses her movements and looks away.

“I told her we’re nothing.”

“Nat…”

“They deserve better, Clint,” her voice wobbles.

“You deserve happiness too Tasha. You deserve them.” He pulls her into a tight hug.

Her eyes clench shut attempting to keep her tears at bay.

“I fucked up… didn’t I?”

“Yeah… you really did,” he looks up at the ceiling and sighs.

“Quinjet leaves in 5. If you hurry you should still be able to catch them.  
She immediately takes off and he watches the door swing shut behind her.

“Go get ‘em, kid. We’re rooting for ya.”

xxxx

Almost running past the hangar doors, Natasha skids to a stop and pushes her way into the room. 

She ignores the technicians yelling for her to clear the runway as she breaks into a sprint towards where she hears the sound of supplies being loaded onto a quinjet. 

With an energy boost fueled by a fear she never knew she could feel, she speeds around the corner, drawing in a breath ready to scream your name. 

Only to come to a stop. 

She’s too late. 

The jet pushes off the ground for takeoff.

She falls to her knees. 

A broken whimper escapes her lips.


	2. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're back from your mission but what did you leave behind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for loving my little ball of garbage enough to warrant a second part. I’m feeling warm and fuzzy. This chapter and the next one are heavily influenced by Billie Eilish's "I Love You". Also… I kinda.. sorta.. really got carried away with this. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Shout out to my irl friends who had to deal with my gleefully rubbing my grubby little paws together all day. 
> 
> I really can't express enough how sorry I am for this.
> 
> I'm still new to at writing so any feedback you have is greatly appreciated!

_Hollow._

It’s the only way she can describe the feeling of deep-seated emptiness that settles in her as she watches the quinjet disappear in the distance. What’s that noise? She casts her eyes around her surroundings when she suddenly feels a dampness on her collarbone. Reaching up a hand, she feels moisture on her face.

_Oh._

The sounds were coming from her. At the realization of her sobs, pain wracked her frame with nowhere to go. 

_What was she thinking?_

_She wasn’t._

When she left Clint in a hurry, she hadn’t even paused to consider what she would say to you if she caught you. What did she feel for you? What could she have told you? Her life conditioned her to believe love was for children. She wasn’t one.

_And yet…_

She couldn’t deny that there was something about you that always drew her in to you. Every hidden interaction with you pulled onto all five of her senses demanding her full attention until there was only you in front of her; drawn straight into your orbit like a moon of Saturn. Each and every private encounter made it more difficult for the hardened assassin to pull herself away from you only to act unaffected by your presence in public. 

_Was that love?_

_It doesn’t matter._

You were sunlight. You were the warm embrace of home calling out to every damaged member of this family seeking acceptance for their past sins and a place to belong. 

And she?

_Well, she was damaged beyond repair._

She refused to be the one to tarnish your light. And she knew, if she gave in to her weaknesses, you could never really shine. You meant too much to the team. To her. A part of her could also admit to fear. Fear of what would happen if she hurt you. 

If you hurt _her._

She could live with never knowing what it felt like to call you hers. To hear you whisper her name in the early morning light your sweet features the first things she lays eyes on in your shared haven. 

But she knew. She’d never recover if she could have you and lose you. If she were to tear her walls down, only for you to look inside and decide it wasn’t worth it.

That _she_ wasn’t worth it.

With a steely resolve in her eyes, Natasha turned on her heels and began to make her way back towards the gym. She had a few weeks to get her head screwed on straight. She’ll lock away and bury anything she might have felt for you if given the chance. When you’re back, she’ll apologize for the hurt she’s caused you and maybe, just maybe, you’ll let her stay a part of your life.

If, along the way, she refuses to let her mind wander to thoughts of you with someone else, well, that’s her prerogative. 

xxxx 

You sit in heavy silence on the quinjet. Thoughts of last night’s interactions with the red-headed assassin plaguing your mind. You still feel a pang of pain when you remember her rejection. With a mental shake of your head, you resolve to table your emotions for now to focus on the mission at hand. 

You’ve been tasked with leading a team to infiltrate an underground drug trafficking ring disguised as a bi-monthly art auction. Once you arrive at your destination, you’ll be allotted two months of integration and data retrieval before another team of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents will be sent in to assist in the take down. You’re leading the team with Scarlet Witch and Falcon following your lead. Agent Hill was chosen to tag along strictly for backup and onsite supervision should the worst come to pass. 

Sam and Maria sit up front; you can hear the sounds of quiet banter trickling back towards you while they try to respect your privacy, believing you to be mentally preparing yourself for the road up ahead. Wanda sits opposite you. Your emotions scream at her from across the jet, but she has the decency not to read your actual thoughts. 

Still, she can’t help the concerned glances she sends your way. 

Noticing her attention on you, you shift your body to turn towards her. 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I could ask you the same. Where did you disappear to last night? I tried to find you after you were pulled away by Natasha, but I couldn’t find you.”

You let out a soft sigh. 

“I’m sorry. My heads been a mess lately. I didn’t mean to leave you on the dance floor like that. It was a rough night.”

A hand rises to nervously play with the hair on the back of your neck. You look to the floor.

“I also owe you a bit of an apology for how carried away I got last night. You’re amazing Wan, and I don’t want to lead you on in any way.”

She lets out a light laugh. 

“Don’t worry about it, draga mea. We were just two friends who had a little too much to drink, having a little fun. No hard feelings whatsoever.”

You wince and she instantly knows that was the wrong thing to say. 

“You know, I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener. Pietro used to say it’s because I had big ears when we were children.”

She reaches out a hand across the aisle to let it rest on your knee. After an internal debate, you decide to divulge everything to her. From your first interactions with the assassin and your instant connection to the fallout from last night.

Listening patiently, Wanda’s eyes widen slightly when you mention what the events that occurred in the ex-soviet’s room. 

By the end, Wanda is livid with righteous indignation on your behalf. 

“Well, she’s a fool for letting you go.” She squeezes your leg. 

“I can’t claim to understand what’s going through her head, but you have to know her feelings aren’t a reflection on your worth. You are the glue that holds this team together and we all love you. Natasha, she…” she pauses, “she’s been through much. More than any of us will ever know. Her experiences have closed her off. But you’re both strong. Maybe you’re not meant to be, but I know you can bounce back from this. We have a few weeks before we’re due back and, in that time, I guarantee you we can get your spirit back up and bouncing like usual.”

“Damn right, we can!” You hear Sam interrupt from the front of the plane.

You release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding and let out a light laugh.

Yeah, things weren’t okay.

But maybe they will be.

xxxx

The mission goes off without a hitch and it does wonders for your confidence. As soon as you landed at the safehouse, you and your team had set to work securing the perimeter and preparing for your upcoming roles in the undercover mission. Sam moved first, infiltrating the ranks of the dealers as he uncovered the hierarchy of the operation and fed maria intel to pass on to headquarters. You and Wanda were posed as a wealthy young couple from new money, tasked with getting close to the heads of the drug ring in order to gain access to the final auction where you ultimately took down the entire operation with the aid of several agents. 

Despite the smooth execution, you all still found yourselves with extra downtime between stakeouts and it led to the four of you growing closer. One of your favorite pastimes became group binge-watches of The Fairly Odd Parents and Wanda had taken to calling you Cosmo, the husband of her cartoon namesake. 

“ETA: 5 minutes,” called out Hill. 

From your seat, you could see the compound looming over the horizon. You take in a nervous breath and release. 

Next to you, Wanda can feel your apprehensive tension and takes a moment to give your hand a firm squeeze. 

“You’re okay, Cosmo. Remember our talks. You have strength. You know your worth. You’ll be fine.”

You send her a grateful smile and a nod. Your fingers squeeze her back briefly before you move to stand by the doors of the ramp as you hear the jet begin to touch down. 

She’s right. During your time away, you came to terms with the fact that it’s not Natasha’s fault that she doesn’t feel the same way as you do. You know you have no control over other people’s feelings, and you owed it to the both of you to face this head on, maturely. 

As soon as the jet’s ramp meets the floor of the hangar, you’re met with a wall of pure muscle that really should come with a warning label. Your feet are lifted off the ground and suddenly you’re swinging in circles. You laugh as Bucky’s long hair tickles your nose. 

Wait a second. 

Is that?

“James Buchanan Barnes. Put me down this instant.”

He stiffens. That’s his name. That’s who he is. He is James Buchanan Barnes. Former sergeant and integral member of the Howling Commandos. The Winter Soldier. Melted down and reforged by Hydra. He was a legend. He was a nightmare. He was feared. He was… terrified. 

Christ. Hearing his full name falling out of your mouth in _that_ tone never failed to instill the fear of God into him. Not even his ma, bless her soul, could quite measure up to the intimidating aura you exuded when he knew you were ready to tan his hide.

You stood before him, hands on your hips, feet shoulder width apart, stance strong, eyebrow peaked… and deadly. 

“Did you break into my room and steal my hair mask… _again_?”

The others stand back, watching in amusement while he starts to sweat.

“D-doll, of course not! You explicitly told m-me your room was off limits while you were go-”

You cut him off as you step closer.

“Don’t you lie to me, Barnes,” your eyes narrow and he gulps when you push your face closer to his.

“I can smell the macadamia oil, you heathen.”

Just as you’re about to launch into a lecture about respecting other people’s belongings, you’re interrupted by the sound of Steve’s voice. 

“You gotta admit, at least it’s better than smelling the greasy mop he always ends up with after training.”

Your entire demeanor lightens up as you whip around to take a running leap at your favorite Man with a Plan.

“STEVIE!”

He catches you in his arms. “Good to have you back, sugar. We missed you around here.”

You hear a soft exhale of relief come from behind you.

Tilting your head back from where you’re perched in Steve’s arms, you narrow your eyes at Bucky and make a silent gesture to indicate you’re watching him. This is far from over. 

He gulps. 

“Well, c’mon then, we’re all dying to hear how the mission went. The others are waiting for you in the lounge.”

You stay wrapped around your friend’s dorito shaped torso but make the effort to wriggle your way around him so you’re clinging to his back like an infant koala. He rolls his eyes but does nothing to deter you, choosing to move his arms in support of your legs instead.

“Onward, my trusty steed!” you giggle.

As one, you all make your way towards the main common area, taking the time to drop off your luggage in your respective rooms as you go. Eventually, you make your way to the lounge and as you’re carried in, F.R.I.D.A.Y. blasts the loud trumpets of a herald through her speakers. 

Huh, Tony must’ve upgraded her sense of humor.

Greeting the others, you use your hands in Steve’s hair like an oversized rat with a penchant for cooking to guide him towards your favorite lounge chair. Sam and Wanda move towards the kitchen to look for the good snacks they couldn’t have undercover while everyone else gathers around the remaining lounges. 

From the corner of your eye, you can see Natasha hovering off to the side near Clint but you can’t quite get yourself to make eye contact yet. You wait for everyone to settle in. Wanda approaches you with two mugs of tea in her hands offering you one with a “just the way you like it, Cosmo”. It’s punctuated with a wink and she perches herself on the arm of your seat, bringing her own around to rest across the back. Her hand finds its way to your hair playing with a few strands to keep you grounded while you purposefully train your eyes away from a certain side of the room.

Wanda really did become your rock in the weeks away. While you never repeated anything from the night of your party, you fell into an easy companionship with the young mutant that led to you each being comfortable around the other. She knew how hard your return would be for you and made it her next mission to make sure you knew you had a solid support system in place. 

Seeing the close interaction between the two of you, Bucky and Steve both shoot you cheeky grins and eyebrow wiggles that have you holding up a throw pillow just under Wanda’s current line of sight. She glances down, smirks and hurls the pillow at the two men using her powers, ensuring she adds a boomerang effect to ricochet off the face of one in order to hit the other stunning both of them.

“Nice!” You give her an enthusiastic high five as she wiggles her fingers at the recovering men.

“I just learned that one on the job. I have to keep practicing for muscle memory.” She states in a faux haughty tone while you snicker at the indignation on your Brooklyn Boys’ faces.

Across the room, Natasha watches you. She knew she missed you while you were away, but nothing could have prepared her for the onslaught of emotions that crashed into her when she finally laid eyes on you after weeks apart. You still had the same mischievous spark in your eyes. Your nose still crinkled just the slightest bit when you laughed. Your smile could still light up an entire room like the Fourth of July. 

_God, she missed you._

She watches your raucous banter with the resident super-soldiers with a fond smile teasing the corners of her lips. She takes note of the casual arm slung across your shoulders, the hand tangled in your hair, and something inside of her burns. Her jaw clenches.

_She’s not yours to have._

Clint nudges her shoulder with a pointed look. She realizes she’s been emitting a soft growl. Focus Romanoff! Where is your training? She strains but ultimately fixes her posture until she’s the posterchild for casual aloofness. Her best friend snickers but chooses not to comment on the slight rigidity he can see in her shoulders. 

Tony claps his hands to gain everyone’s attention. 

“Alright alright, Hermione’s new parlor tricks aside, we all know why we’re _really_ here.”

In his best imitation of Fury’s gruff voice, he growls out, “Hill. Debrief report. Judgement on (y/hero/n)’s execution?”

Rolling her eyes but playing along, “All objectives executed to perfection. Leadership skills exemplary, sir!” she tosses in a mock salute.

It’s quiet before everyone breaks into cheers and congratulate you and your team on a successful job well done. You’re beaming when you hear Sam chime in with, “You better watch out Cap. (Y/l/n) could give you a run for your money as team captain. We might be shipping you to a retirement home sooner than we thought.

Your best friend grins at you with pride and mirth shining in his eyes and you feel warm inside. 

“I think we could come to a truce and work together. Co-captain sound good to you doll?”

“I don’t think so Steve. I’ll leave the captaincy to you. I don’t think I could handle dragging the metal chicken wing over there back in line every day,” you respond with a laugh, sticking your tongue out at Sam. You draw out a squawk of offense and everyone bursts into laughter. 

You turn your head slightly and find yourself making direct eye contact with the very same pair of vivid green eyes that still visit you in your dreams. You swallow down the rising emotions and offer her a small smile. She looks startled at first but relaxes slightly and gives you one of her own in return. 

Maybe you could do this.

You spend a few more minutes catching up with the rest of the team, learning about what everyone has been up to while you were away. Checking the time, you slowly pull away from Wanda, who still has her weight resting on you, and announce that you’re going to head to your room to wash off and settle in before you have to fill out your mission reports. 

Everyone bids you goodnight and you exit the room, walking the familiar pathway towards your own residence. Your ears pick up quiet footsteps behind you causing you to turn your head slightly.

A small sharp inhale escapes your lips. Your eyes betray you with a quick scan of her nervous form standing in front of you. Her hair is a little longer and the circles under her eyes are just the slightest shade darker. She still looks just as breathtaking as the day you walked out of her room. Her presence instantly brings you peace and you curse yourself under your breath.

Mentally slapping yourself, you plaster on a casual smile.

“Hey Nat. Been a while.”

You cringe. 

_Really? Been a while? Really?_

She steps towards you, “Hi (y/n/n),” she responds softly. 

“Listen I-”

“Can we-”

You both let out a nervous chuckle.

“Sorry. Go ahead, you first,” she says.

“Listen, Nat. I owe you an apology.”

She stills. What could you possibly have to apologize for? You’re not the one who broke the heart of the love of your life just because _you_ had commitment issues.

_Stop that. She’s not your love of anything._

She opens her mouth to interrupt but you press on.

“It wasn’t fair of me to try to push you into something you clearly weren’t comfortable with. You made it clear that you didn’t love me the way I loved you. I never wanted to make you feel like I would demand anything of you. You’re more than entitled to your own feelings and it wasn’t okay for me to project what I felt onto you.”

Frozen in place, her mind could only focus on two words. 

_Loved? Felt?_

And didn’t that sting?

She can feel her throat start to constrict but she goes along with it.

Maybe it’s for the best.

“It’s okay (y/n/n). I understand where you came from and I’m partially to blame for letting things go on for as long as they did without taking your feelings into consideration. 

“Friends?”

A small, okay large, part of her brain _screamed_ in agony that this was _wrong_.

Instead, she smiles and nods opening her arms.

You gingerly step into her embrace, one arm comes up holding her shoulder while the other gently cups the back of her head in a familiar hold. 

Her arms come up to wrap themselves around your middle, squeezing slightly.

If either of you noticed the other inhale just a little deeper, neither of you chose to comment. 

xxxx

Several weeks go by and you’ve settled back into a familiar routine. Wanda has officially been adopted into you and your boys’ infamous trio and the brunette witch could often be seen joining in on your foolish antics around the compound. At first, the three made a pact to ensure you would never be exposed to prolonged periods of alone time with the woman who damaged your tender heart. Often times, you’d catch yourself alone with the assassin only for one of the others to immediately swoop in to whisk you away and drag you into some activity before you could draw each other into a prolonged conversation

It took you a few days to catch on to what your friends were doing. While the sentiment was greatly appreciated, you couldn’t miss the slight look of hurt that crossed Natasha’s face whenever you were pulled away from her. Eventually, you had to put your foot down, taking them aside one day. You told them that you loved them and appreciated their concern. But you’re an adult and you can handle your affairs well enough on your own. 

They backed off but still continued to keep a wary lookout. They couldn’t help it. You were their favorite.

Your interactions with the devastatingly gorgeous avenger were still a little stunted and you both miss the longing stares you direct towards each other on occasion. Still, you’re getting better.

It still hurts sometimes but you’re okay as long as you still have her in your life. In any capacity.

You think you’re getting better. It stills hurts but you’re okay as long as you still have her in your life. 

xxxx

You’re in the gym talking to Sam one afternoon as he spots you in the weights section while Natasha and Clint are sparring on the mats.

“The team’s decided to make an appearance at a new nightclub Aluminum Alloy Man bought out on a dare tonight. You in, sugar?”

You laugh at the latest nickname he’s given Stark but shake your head no. 

“Sorry Sam but I’ve got a date.”

You hear a particularly loud grunt come from Clint and turn your head slightly to see Natasha apologizing while he’s doubled over catching his breath.

“Oh? Anyone we know?” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

You roll your eyes. 

“With myself, you dork. I’ve been dying to watch _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ and I finally have the downtime to sit through it. There’s a bottle of wine and a couch calling my name and I intend to capitalize.”

He laughs but nods understandingly.

“That’s fair. You good here? I better head out to get ready.”

“Yeah, yeah, you go ahead. Have fun tonight!” You wave him off wiping the sweat off the back of your neck with a damp towel.

“(Y/L/N)!” You hear your name called out from across the gym. 

“Care to spar? Clint’s tapping out. He’s a wuss.”

You start to hesitate but choose to nod instead, stepping into the ring, setting your towel on the rope to dry. 

You begin to circle one another assessing each other’s weaknesses. She makes the first move lashing out with a swift kick to your ankle, aiming to leave you off balance. You dodge out of the way and retaliate with a series of jabs towards her torso. This goes on for several minutes each of you landing several hits when Natasha launches herself off your bent knee, intending to use her signature thigh grip of death to bring you down.

_Not today, Satan._

You bring your arms up, wedging them between your neck and her legs before she can get a grip. You latch onto her legs tightly before you swing her around your body, tackling her to the floor. You move your hand to cradle the back of her head to ensure it doesn’t smack into the ground, bringing yourself much closer to her body in the process. 

You’re both panting heavily, stuck, mesmerized by the intense look in each other’s eyes. You have one leg between her thighs, knee pressed to her core, puffs of air intermingling between you. 

_Is she? Leaning towards you?_

_Oh._

_You_ definitely _felt that wiggle of her hips against your knee._

You towel drops to the floor with a wet smack and just like that, the spell is broken.

You both scramble apart and you move to pick up the offending object. 

Behind you, Natasha clears her throat sheepishly.

“So, I couldn’t help but overhear your big plans for tonight while you were talking to Wilson. Is there room for one more? I was actually planning to do the same, but I hear Monty Python is much funnier with good company.”

Everything inside of you _screams_ that this is a terrible idea. But here’s the thing, you _thrived_ off of terrible ideas. 

“Sure, why not? We can start when everyone else heads out?”

Sure you would have declined, she brightens considerably and throws you a grin. 

She starts walking backwards towards the door.

“Great! It’s a date! I mean- not a date-”

She smacks herself right into the door.

You let out a small laugh.

“I know what you meant.”

“Right. Yes. I’ll see you tonight!” She scurries out the door.

You stay standing there in the ring watching the space she just occupied. 

On the other side of the door, Natasha leans heavily against the metal.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

xxxx

You bid goodbye to your friends and make sure to tell them to call you should they need anything. Once everyone is out the door, you turn around, inhale deeply, and set to work.

Despite everything, and your unfailing determination to not fall down the same rabbit hole, you can’t help but want to take care of Natasha in any capacity you can.

So, you take extra care to grab her favorite snacks, her go-to brand of wine, a couple glasses, and an oversized hoodie you always kept in the back of the closet, on hand just for her. She had a tendency to relax in thinner loungewear, but you knew once she settled in, she stubbornly refused to get up for anything no matter how cold she got. 

As you set everything down on the coffee table in front of the oversized, plush couch in the center of the movie room, the beauty in question makes her way towards you in, surprise surprise, a thin tank top and shorts. 

You roll your eyes but toss her your sweatshirt and she grins at you before hastily throwing it on, snuggling into the warmth. You both settle onto opposite sides of the couch, the wine and snacks split between you. The movie plays and you find yourselves relaxing. Like magnets, you eventually gravitate towards each other, sharing jokes and snacks, yelling at the large screen in front of you as the Black Knight stubbornly refuses to die. 

Without realizing each other’s movements, she winds up leaning against you while your arm is wrapped around her shoulders alternating between playing with her hair and rubbing soothing patterns across her shoulder blades and bicep. 

You feel a shudder come from the deadly ball of fluff in your arms and only then do you realize your positions. You can’t bring yourself to move.

“Cold?”

“Yeah,” she nods. Attempting to burrow herself further into your clothes.

You pull her closer to you until her legs are resting over yours, head tucked under your chin, puffs of air tickling your sensitive neck. 

_Bad move (y/l/n)._

You forget how to breathe. Natasha turns to look at you when she feels you still beneath her. 

_Oh. Oh god._

She didn’t realize how close she was to you and from this distance, she can see every detail of your ethereal beauty in the dim light of the movie lighting. 

You turn your head to take a quick peak at her but suddenly you’re _drowning_ in a sea of _green_. Your breath hitches when green is replaced by _red_ and suddenly plump lips are crushing your own.

You moan and your hands scramble for purchase as the angel in your lap twists to straddle you. Fists tighten in your hair while she nips at your lower lip, close to drawing blood. She tugs at your shirt and you get the message. You desperately rip away your top while she follows suit before she pushes you onto your back spreading out on top of you. 

A loud groan escapes your lips as the vixen in your arms finds the sensitive space right below your ear. Unwilling to be out done, you wrap your legs around her hips and gracefully flip yourselves over, trailing kisses down the crevice of her breasts, mapping your way down her body. Like Copernicus charting the stars. Reaching your destination, you pull apart the draw strings of her shorts with nothing but your teeth, earning a moan of approval from the writhing redhead. You smoothly slide back up her body, meeting her desperate lips in a searing kiss while your hand finds her center, already feeling the slick wetness ready for you. Natasha’s limbs fly to wrap around you as you set a steady pace pushing her closer and closer to the edge. Knowing she needs the extra push, your other hand moves to pull aside her bra before you deliver a harsh nip and a firm curl of your fingers.

She sees stars.

No.

She sees _galaxies_.

You continue to move, determined to prolong her pleasure for as long as possible.

You’re rewarded with the crack of her voice as she hurdles into the abyss.

“God, I fucking love you.”

It slips out of your mouth completely unbidden.

But it’s too late. 

The damage can’t be undone.

Just like that, she snaps back to reality.

She hastily sits up. Your hand falls back into your lap as she quickly stands picking up her shirt. 

“We can’t do this.”

“Natasha, I-”

“No.”

“Natasha, would you jus-”

“I said no!”

You feel like you’ve been here before.

She turns to make a hasty retreat, but you catch her hand in a tight grip before she can get too far. 

“Why do you keep running from me? Am I so repulsive that the thought of being with me has you running for the hills?”

“Not everything is about you, (y/l/n),” she bites out.

Neither of you hear the team returning but all of them can hear the yelling coming from your direction and they run towards you.

“No. You always do this! Every time I think we’ve gotten to a good place; you freeze me out.”

“That’s the thing! We were in a good place! We were having fun. We had each other when we needed it and nothing more! We were so good like that. We can still be like that!”

Tears fill your eyes.

“It’s not enough.”

“Why can’t this be enough?!” she cries.

“This _has_ to be enough,” she whispers looking at anything but you.

A hand moves to grip hers gently. The other rises to cup her chin to guide her eyes to yours.

“This could be so much more. Let me love you the way you deserve.”

Staring into your eyes, she can see you dying a little more inside the longer she stays silent.

She pulls away from you.

_Okay._

You thought you could be fine with just floating in her orbit. Maybe you underestimated how long it would take for you to heal enough to allow it. Or maybe you couldn’t do this at all.

Your head tilts towards the floor. Your lips break into the softest, most heart-breaking smile she’s ever seen.

“I’m always going to love you Natasha Romanoff. But I owe it to the both of us to know this won’t be enough for me. This _can’t_ be enough for me.”

A whimper is caught in her throat but she can’t bring herself to move when you step back away from her. 

“I love you. I don’t want to,” you breathe out. 

Natasha swears she hears something inside her shatter. 

“I’m sorry I don’t give you the strength you need to pursue your own happiness. I really hope you find someone who does. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

_You make me happy._

_Just say it!_

Her body screams in protest with every fiber of her being.

“Bye Tasha.”

You turn and only then do you realize that the two of you aren’t alone. 

Wanda steps forward. She wraps her arms around your shoulders as she leads you away throwing a glare at the assassin. 

Natasha takes a step in your direction. 

“(Y/n) wait-”

She stopped by a metal arm blocking her way. 

“Don't you think you've done _enough_?” Bucky growls.

“And what do you know about what I’ve done?” She shoves him away.

“I know you hurt her! _AGAIN!_ ” he snarls, “You need to get your shit together before I’ll even THINK about letting you come anywhere NEAR (y/n) again, Romanoff.”

Her blood boils. She scoffs, “Big surprise, her guard dog immediately snaps to attention at the first sign of trouble. Tell me Barnes, does your master feed you well?”

She regrets her outburst immediately, but she’s too angry, too frustrated, too exhausted to take it back.

“Don’t forget who _trained_ you, _Natalia_ ,” comes out in a menacing hiss.

Frantically, Clint’s eyes snap from her to the ex-soldier advancing on her. He immediately steps between the two, placing a hand on her arm and turning towards the larger assassin.

“Whoa now, you know she didn’t mean that. Emotions are just running high right now. Let’s all take a step back. I could use a hand, Cap.”

Despite his own roiling emotions, he needs to maintain his professionalism as team captain, releasing a heavy puff of air, he moves to place a firm hand on Bucky’s shoulder, pulling him to his side.

“Clint’s right. We can’t do anything to fix this right now. Everyone, disperse. We’ll regroup in the morning.” He sends a piercing glare at the redhead.

Hearing another growl, Clint whips his head back around, “As entertaining as it would be to make a compound wide betting pool with Tony on a wwe rumble between you and two tag-teaming super soldiers, maybe we should take a second to cool off outside, yeah” he hisses at her.

Gritting her teeth, she nods, allowing Clint to pull her down the hall and out the door. 

As she catches a glimpse of the hall leading to your room, all she can think is one thing.

_She let you slip through her fingers… again._


	3. Share Your Address

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the middle of planning out Pt. 3 and it's gonna hurt. I just have to figure out how. So, in the meantime, as an apology for the pain from the last 2 chapters, here's a REALLY soft AU that takes place in the same universe. The difference? Natasha's the one pining after you from the get go. 
> 
> Song referenced in this fic is Ben Platt's "Share Your Address"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I posted to tumblr: HERE, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS.  
> ok this is actually gonna be an AU of the In Her Orbit universe because I just re-read what I wrote and I’m HURTING and I need something to tide over the pain.
> 
> In this one, Nat won’t have commitment issues, everyone will be just as soft for R, and good feelings will be had all around.

**_Darling, you might think it's too soon  
But I can't get you out of my head now  
Picturing myself in your room  
And I wanna be with you 'til I'm dead now_ **

The sound of cutlery clinking against plates and coffee dripping into an overworked pot fills the air. It’s a rare, lazy Sunday in the Avengers Compound. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes are slowly trickling into the common kitchen. The early risers make it a point to have breakfast ready, if only to prevent a repeat of the disastrous day a half-asleep Tony Stark attempted to make scrambled eggs without cracking the actual egg.

Light from the morning sun slowly creeps its way across the room splaying over rust-colored hair. Natasha stands leaning against a counter slowly stirring a mug of tea, doing her best to enjoy the quiet of an early morning before the inevitable chaos of her family comes crashing through the doors. 

Across the way, Bucky and Steve are sitting at the kitchen island, quietly conversing with Bruce while the scientist attempts to explain exactly why the genetic theory of last night’s sci-fi movie was completely invalid and therefore, they _SHOULD_ be just as offended as he is. 

It’s an argument that’s come out of many of them before. Team movie nights generally lead to one or more of the group finding righteous indignation over some aspect that challenges their respective areas of expertise. 

To her left, Clint is hunched over the countertop cradling the coffee machine as he waits for his precious 4th child to finish refilling. Attempting to ignore the soft bickering and the sounds of Clint’s caffeine-withdrawal fueled whines, she focuses her hearing on the ambient sounds around her.

Chirping birds.

Dripping Coffee.

Footsteps.

Her ears twitch.

_Please don’t let it be Tony, Bruce will never stop._

The kitchen door slowly swings open as the sound of shuffling footsteps become clearer. Green irises slowly rise from their concentration on the floor, only to be eclipsed by rapidly dilating pupils.   
Messy hair.

Incredibly oversized shirt hanging off a strong frame.

No visible bottoms.

Just.

Legs carved by Michelangelo himsel-

A towel smacks her in the face. 

Her reaction is instant as she reaches over, grips mousy brown hair, and smacks Clint’s forehead against marble.

“Ow…” he whines with a pout. 

“I just thought you might want to wipe the drool from your mouth.”

“Shut up I don’t drool.”

He rolls his eyes but returns to drilling holes into the coffee machine. 

Natasha’s eyes never left your sleepy form the entire time.

You slowly amble into the room, rubbing the sleep from your eyes while you try and fail to stifle a yawn. A round of greetings are exchanged as you move to take a seat on a stool. Your Brooklyn Boys are quick to jump out of their seats, heading towards the covered pans on the stove. Steve ruffles your hair fondly as he passes while Bucky pulls a plum out of his pocket and places it where Steve’s hand just left. 

You grumble good-naturedly while you watch the pair puttering about the kitchen working in tandem to get you a plate and your favorite morning drink. You look around to see who else is awake. You snort at the sight of Clint all but worshipping the now filled pot of caffeine before (y/e/c) meets shaded green. 

A soft grin spreads across your face. 

“Morning, Talia.”

If you listen closely, you can hear a slight buzzing.

Natasha’s thoughts short-circuit while she absent-mindedly traces the crinkle of your eyes.

“Oof-”

A sharp pain erupts from her side while Clint stares at her pointedly, elbow sticking out.

“M-morning (y/n/n),” she blurts out.

She’s saved by the heaping plate of food placed in front of you by your favorite historical relics.

It’s been 4 months since you’ve joined the team. 

Initially, you were a consultant of S.H.I.E.LD. tasked with educating Steve on the 21st century after he emerged from the ice. After the attack on New York, you were a common sight around Avengers tower as you’d come by every so often to take Star Spangled Man with a Plan on his next excursion to see what he’s missed during his time under water. 

Once Bucky was found and rehabilitated, your caseload expanded to include the Winter Soldier into your “educational” experiences. Your easy-going and soft nature quickly melted away any trepidation the ex-hydra assassin might have had, and it became common knowledge that you were adopted into the super soldiers’ duo act. 

It was on one of your later visits to the compound that Tony discovered you weren’t just a consultant with a penchant for 20th century world history. The engineer was walking past the common area when he saw you huddled with the men near the center of the room. On the coffee table in front of you, a stone golem pranced about with ease with small twirls of your fingers. 

As soon as he realized you were an elemental on par with the legends of Mother Nature, it was only a matter of time before he teamed up with your boys to convince you to join the team. 

Prolonged exposure to your soothing presence led to the entire team becoming completely enamored by you. And you, them.

You were easily accepted as family.

By all but one.

While you ate, Natasha remained standing at the counter, raking her eyes over you, trying not to make it too obvious. 

Her mind begins to wander. She allows herself to daydream about what it would be like to wake up next to you and see your adorable bedhead before it had the chance to settle into the somewhat deflated mess it is now. 

“(Y/n) and Natasha sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-OOF”

_Shut up, Clint._

xxxx

**_I want your friends to be my friends  
I'll make you breakfast in your bed  
I want it all with you  
And if I'm coming on too strong  
It's 'cause I've waited far too long  
For someone just like you_ **

When you initially arrived at the compound, you had a few reservations. You expected to be constantly made to do grueling physical work, facing constant danger. 

You still kicked ass and had your ass kicked in return. But, you found you actually had much more down-time than you expected to and you put it to good use spending time with your new team, growing closer every day. Soon the avengers found that while you were a calm balm that could ease their minds with a well-timed hug or late-night chat, you also had a mischievous streak a mile wide. 

Oh, it wasn’t necessarily pranking. 

That was more up Clint’s alley.

No. 

You just had a child’s spirit, always ready and willing to satisfy your own curiousity, occasionally indulging in casual dumbassery.

This, especially, endeared you to Wanda and Peter. They gravitated towards you as one of the younger members of the team despite you still being older than them. 

You acted as their older sibling and made a point of indulging their less mature antics. There were only so many years they had to really enjoy their youth and you’d be damned if you let them mature any faster than they had to. 

They tended to follow you around like imprinted ducklings and who were you to deny them?

Besides, it’s not like Steve and Bucky didn’t do the same thing. The more the merrier.

xxxx

She walks past the common area, intent on making herself a peanut butter sandwich and locking herself in her room to indulge in a quiet night of movies when she sees you laughing at the large flat-screen, occasionally throwing popcorn floating popcorn over to someone’s waiting mouth on a gust of air without looking. 

You’re surrounded by all four of your ducklings. It looks like you’re in the middle of a Harry Potter marathon. Peter is talking a mile a minute as he explains the differences between the books and the films. 

“I’m telling you Grandpa Steve! The movies are SO much better if you read the books. It’s the only way you’ll get the real meat of the story! Back me up here (y/n).”

You’re drawn into the conversation, laughter spilling from your lips as you tease Peter’s passionate outbursts. 

Your hair looks so soft.

Your laugh sounds like angels singing.

Your m- _SMACK_

All five of you snap your heads around at the sound of Natasha colliding right into the wall. You jump up hastily running straight to the redhead’s side as she rubs her forehead. 

“Oh shit, Talia are you okay?”

Your hands come up to cradle her face, the gently brush aside the hair that’s been knocked loose from her bun at the impact. Your fingertips lightly skim along the assassin’s skin while you check for bumps with concerned eyes.

Natasha holds back a shudder.

_How could she not love you when you gaze at her so tenderly?_

Satisfied that there’s no significant damage, your hand slides down to grip hers before you pull her towards the kitchen. 

She’s still struck mute while you rummage around in the freezer, pulling out an icepack and wrapping it in a rag. You gently press it to the side of her head before placing her hand where yours was to keep it in place. 

“Gotta get ahead of the swelling so we don’t damage your pretty face,” you wink.

_She thinks I’m pretty._

Unbeknownst to her, Natasha has a stupid grin on her face, and you start to grow slightly uncomfortable at the lack of actual response.

“Right… Um, well, want to join us? We’re just about to start Half-Blood Prince and I always need someone to hold me when that scene comes on. I’d ask Steve or Bucky but they’re already all over each other. Pete and Wanda get too into reenacting the spells,” you state with a roll of your eyes.

Nearly vibrating at the chance to have you in her arms, her voice comes out just a little too loud.

“YES- I mean- yeah of course. Lead the way.”

_Smooth, Romanoff._

You both make your way over to the empty love seat just in time for Peter to hit play.

As the opening credits begin and the lights dim back down, Natasha decides to take a bold chance, pulling you over into her arms before she leans back against the arm of the couch with you nestled against her torso seated between her legs. 

You raise an eyebrow. 

“You know the scene isn’t until the end of the movie right?”

“Yeah, but I figured we might as well be comfortable and get ahead of your emotions,” she hopes she’s covering up how nervous she is.

You pause, but, ultimately, shrug your shoulders and opt to snuggle further into the beautiful redhead beside you instead.

She’s does a little victory dance in her head as her arms tighten around you.

You’re surrounded by warmth and a feeling of safety.

_Your subconscious calls it home, but you don’t know that yet._

Natasha let’s out a small content sigh.

_This is nice._

The next couch over, Bucky narrows his eyes at the two of you.

_What is she?_

He recognizes the soft look on Natasha’s face.

It’s the same gaze he sees when he wakes up to Steve’s face every morning.

_Oh. Hell. No._

_What are her intentions? Why didn’t she ask for our blessing? The AUDACITY._

He opens his mouth, about to protest, when he’s met by a smack to the shoulder and a pointed look from beside him. 

Steve shakes his head and mouths, “Let them be.”

_Natasha worked so hard just to make sure I took a chance with Buck. She deserves this._

xxxx

You’re disturbed by the smell of coffee and a bagel being held right under your nose. You squint in the early morning light, opening your eyes only to be met with Natasha’s smirking face holding out a plate for you. 

Stiff muscles stretch out and only then do you remember you’re on the couch. You fell asleep sometime between the Golden Trio’s return to Hogwarts and Molly Weasley calling Bellatrix a bitch. 

“Can I interest you in some breakfast in bed, Sleeping Beauty?” She looks around. “Well, breakfast in the lounge?”

_Something inside you flutters at the thoughtfulness._

_You chalk it up to hunger._

“Thanks, Talia!”

You shove a mouthful of bread into your face.

She gives you a fond look and feigns disgust before shoving a napkin in your face.

“Leave room for air, you heathen,” she chuckles.

**_I want a key to your house  
I wanna pick up your clothes  
I wanna clean up your mess  
I wanna know where you hide things  
Wanna be in your photos  
Wanna share your address_ **

“Any plans for today?”

You swallow your food before emitting a small groan and letting your head fall to the back of the couch.

“I’m a fool. I waited far too long and now I have to spend the day washing all of my laundry. There’s literally a mountain of it in my closet and Steve won’t let me just hire a service. He says it’s a ‘lesson in responsibility’. Damn old man valued,’ you grumble.

“I could give you a hand if you’d like?”  
It slips out without a thought.

_What?_

_She can’t do domestic chores to save her life._

_Too late to take it back now._

You lighten up considerably. 

“You really don’t mind?”

“Not at all.”

That’s how you find yourself spending the entire day goofing around in the laundry room with the ballerina. She does anything and everything just to keep hearing you laugh and by the end of the day, it’s safe to say she’s more than addicted.

You’re laughing at her latest impression of the time Tony had her get rid of unwanted female visitors at his doorstep while she was still undercover when you look down and gasp.

All your whites are tinged with a light pink.

Natasha is… mortified.

So distracted by the sounds of your laughter, she completely missed the single red sock tucked into the leg of your white slacks. 

Ready to apologize profusely, she’s stopped by the loud guffaws bursting out of your belly. 

Tears start to leak out of your eyes. She finds herself snorting before she’s laughing just as hard as you.

You both wind up leaning against each other collapsed on the floor.

“I’m so sorry. I have to make this up to you. Do you want to come to my room and watch terrible rom coms with me tonight? We can make fun of the actors and share my secret stash of vodka?”

_Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say-_

You let out another small chuckle, wiping your eyes.

“Sure, I’d love to.”

_YES_

xxxx

**_I just wanna stare at your face  
Then spend quality time with your mother  
We can over-drink at your favourite place  
And we can waste the whole next day to recover_ **

You’re in her room stretched out on your stomach facing the end of the bed and scrolling through Netflix as you search for the perfect movie.

Beside you, Natasha does her best not to make her staring obvious.

You look incredible spread out across her bed.

There’s an adorable expression of concentration painted on your face.

Your shirt rides up just enough for her to see smooth dip of your spine meeting the top of your-

Her drooling- _SHE DOESN’T DROOL_ \- is interrupted by the shrill sound of your phone going off.

You lift the offending object to see it’s your mom calling for a video chat. 

When you answer you’re met with nothing but forehead.

“Ma, I told you. You gotta hold the phone further away from your face.

You hear muffled shuffling before you’re met with your mother’s beaming face.

Natasha has to stifle a snicker when you’re met with rapid fire questions about your well-being and instructions on how to take care of yourself. 

Your head is spinning when she begins to mention “the gorgeous assassin you could never stop admiring whenever she was on-.” You immediately cut her off feeling heat rise up the back of your neck.

Meanwhile, her ears perk up and Natasha throws herself on your back, peaking over your shoulder to pop her head into frame. It’s the prime opportunity to ask your mother for any embarrassing stories of you growing up.

_ABSOLUTELY NOT._

You toss a hasty goodbye at your birth giver before throwing your phone on silent and chucking it across the room.

“Well that was a bit over-dramatic don’t you think?”  
“Shut it, Talia.” 

Giggling, she reaches under her bed for the bottle she always keeps for special occasions while you settle on _How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days_.

You both scoot back to sit against the headboard leaning into each other and start to exchange the bottle back and forth between yourselves. 

By the end of the night, you’ve both given up on watching anything as you’re far too distracted with each other. You’ve finished the whole fifth and there’s a pleasant buzz running through your systems… so long as you don’t try to stand. 

Somehow you wound up laying down with Natasha’s head resting in the crook of your neck, your fingers scratching down her scalp and running through her hair in a continuous, soothing motion. The other unconsciously trails light patterns across the exposed skin on her hip. You’ve been talking for hours swapping stories of the adventures you’ve had and the ones you hope to come. 

You’re listening to Natasha describe the peaceful lakeside cabin she wants to live in someday when you notice it’s nearing 4 in the morning. 

You’re so comfortable and the steady weight of the woman in your arms is beginning to lull you to sleep. You begin to shift knowing you need to head back to your room if you don’t want to pass out in the redhead’s bed. 

As you try to sit up, you feel movement rubbing against you before you’re flat on your back with an adorable, pouting drunk laying on top of you. Limbs spread out like a starfish to make sure you can’t roll out of bed. 

“Stay,” she implores. 

_How could you say no?_

She leans her head down so it’s tucked into the crook of your neck, her arms curl around you, legs intertwined with yours. Sleep heavy on your mind, your arms wrap around her and your body relaxes. A soft pair of lips press to your jaw. It’s the last thing you feel before sleep claims you. 

_Matching smiles adorn your faces as you dream of each other._

xxxx

**_I wanna watch you while you sleep  
I know I might sound like a creep  
But I can't help myself_ **

Light creeps in between the small crevice of space between velvet curtains. Emerald eyes flutter open. A breath catches in her throat. 

Sometime in the night, she’s eased off of your body but you’re no less tangled up in each other. You hold the angel in your arms close in your sleep while she’s still using your shoulder as a pillow. 

From this angle, Natasha has no trouble tracing the soft contours of your face. Soft puffs of air escape your parted lips and she can’t help but stare.

You’re a vision of peace and she wants nothing more than to preserve this moment for the rest of time. 

**And it's so easy to forget  
That we have barely even met  
But I want no one else (no one else)  
I know, I know it's too soon, too fast  
But this could last  
I wanna share your address**

You’ve only really been a part of her life for a few months.

_But she could see forever with you._

xxxx

**I wanna be your emergency contact  
You can put me down  
'Cause you know I know you best (I know you best)**

Since that night, you find yourself spending more alone time with your favorite Russian. Often times you both wind up in the same position after more late nights exploring each other’s lives.

_You never really give much thought to just how much being by her side is starting to feel like home._

It’s another quiet day in the compound. 

Steve and Natasha have been on an undercover mission for the last two weeks and they’re due back later that afternoon.  
In the time they’ve been gone, you and your younger ducklings have taken it upon yourselves to show Bucky the wonderful world of _Avatar the Last Airbender_. 

_The cheeky little shits have taken to calling you Aang due to your powers._

You’ve just finished the series finale and it’s a little too quiet. 

Turning your head to look at your companions, you’re met with two odd stares while Bucky is still staring at the blank screen in stone-faced silence.

“(Y/n/n).” Peter and Wanda breathe out at the same time.

You know exactly where this is going. A grin immediately spreads across your lips. 

_But wait._

Bucky will never agree to it.

In sync, all three of you slowly turn to give your best pout and puppy stare at the hardened ex-soldier… only to be met with him already turned to you with a manic gleam in his eyes.

“You _have_ to.”

Suddenly, the four of you are sprinting outside where, thankfully, the sky is completely clear. 

The three of them stand a few feet from you while you take in a deep breath to center yourself.

As you exhale, you slowly allow your body to flow in a smooth set of movements mimicking the show you’ve just finished. Slowly, water from the nearby lake and small rocks near your feet begin to rise and form into twin rings that continue to spin around you. You take in another deep breath before calling forth the heat that well up inside you. It spreads throughout your body circulating in your blood stream before a gout of fire spills from your lips only to join the rings around you. The wind surrounding you begins to pick up its speed and you feel a slight trickle of sweat trailing down your forehead as you exert yourself. It takes all of your concentration, but gradually, your feet begin to lift off of the ground as a sphere of rapidly flowing air forms around you and the elements you’re already controlling. You steadily rise until you’re roughly 3 stories off the ground. 

Below you, Wanda, Peter, and Bucky are cheering as loudly as they can, yelling in excitement.

“Wanda, be ready with your powers to catch (y/n) just in case,” Bucky calls out. 

She nods and moves into position in a ready stance, waiting to see if you’ll need assistance. Beside her, Peter adjusts his webshooters prepared to launch a safety net between the trees should the worst come to pass.

Unfortunately for you, it did. It _really_ did.

While he’s fiddling with the controls, the shrill sound of “Barbie Girl” blasts from Peter’s phone, startling him into setting off his webshooters. 

Which would still be okay if… they weren’t aimed at Wanda and Bucky. 

They’re knocked to the ground tangled in the sticky substance.

_The universe really is a dick._

An, very unfortunate, obscenely large pigeon decides that is the perfect moment to fly straight towards you, smacking you directly in the face, immediately breaking your concentration.

_Oh shit._

You fall faster than Neville Longbottom smacked his way down the side of Hogwarts in his first year.

_Well… that could have gone better._

xxxx

Natasha and Steve have just exited the quinjet and are walking towards their respective rooms when they’re interrupted by F.R.I.D.A.Y.. 

“Mr. Barnes is requesting your presence in the infirmary, Captain.”

Confused about why a supersoldier with an incredible healing factor with no assigned missions might be in the infirmary, he asks why his partner is spending time there.

“It appears (y/n) has been injured.”

Both avengers freeze. 

Then they _sprint_.

Skidding to a stop inside the hospital wing, Natasha immediately accosts Dr. Cho with a wild look in her eyes.

“Where are they? What happened? Who hurt them? Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner?” She demands.

Eyes wide, Dr. Cho hands move to gently grip the redhead’s shoulders in an effort to calm her down.

She contemplates breaking them.

“Agent (y/l/n) is going to be just fine. They have a minor fracture below their knee from attempting a rather dangerous stunt, but they’ll live. It should heal within the next few days. As for why you weren’t informed, they haven’t submitted an emergency contact to keep on file yet,” she carefully explains.

Natasha’s eye twitches.

“Set me down as their emergency contact from now on. I’m the closest to them here and I know them best.”

Steve wants to protest but he wisely keeps the thought to himself.

She strides forward towards where she sees you laying in a medical bed, bright red cast wrapped around your leg. 

_I’m in love with an idiot._

When you spot them approaching, all any of you can do is give them sheepish grins. 

“Hi guys, how was the mission?”

Behind you, Bucky snorts and does absolutely nothing to hide it. 

“What on _earth_ were you thinking?! You could have been seriously _hurt_! I don’t even know how I could _POSSIBLY_ like you.”

_Wait. What?_

“I have half a mind to strap you down and surround you in bubble wrap just to ke-,”

“What did you just say?”

She freezes. 

Did she just?

_She did._

_Shit._

“Ilikeyou,” she mumbles under her breath, avoiding eye contact.

_Oh._

A deranged grin threatens to break across your face.

“Say it again.”

_Fuck it._

There’s a pause, then… your met with a sea of red throwing itself into your arms. 

“I like you.”

_A kiss is pressed to your forehead._

“I like you.”

_A kiss is pressed to your nose._

“I really, really, like you.”

Soft lips are crushed to your own.

_You’re both_ **home**.

xxxx

*Time Skip to 1 year later.*

**_It doesn't matter where I go  
Without you, I'll never be home  
I wanna share your address_ **

She finally finished bringing the last of the boxes inside. Standing in the center of the foyer, she look around at the large lakeside cabin you’ve been gifted by your favorite genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.

When you and your fiancé expressed an interest in getting your own private space away from the general chaos of the compound, Tony made it a priority to have a home built for the two of you on his property close enough to him and Pepper for you to see his family often, but far enough to give you the space you craved. You insist on four extra bedrooms. Just in case the team needs an emergency safehouse.

_Tony knows it’s really just because you’ll miss seeing the team every day._

**_I wanna know where you hide things  
Wanna be in your photos  
Wanna share your address_ **

Setting aside the box in her arms, Natasha moves through the house in search of you. She hears the sounds of someone rummaging around in the master bedroom and quietly moves to surprise you.

She has to suppress a snort when she sees you hastily stuffing snacks into a small hidden hatch behind where she knows you plan to shove a nightstand. 

“I hope you’re planning on sharing those,” she says with a smirk.

You freeze before turning around to stick your tongue out.

“Get your own hidey-hole. This one’s _MINE_.”

_Rude._

You move to stand only to find yourself being tackled to the bed. She’s mercilessly tickling you, refusing to relent.

“OKAY. OKAY. WE CAN SHARE,” you squeal.

You finally get a chance to catch your breath before you lose it again as she flops down on top of you like a weighted blanket.

You smile softly and gaze down at her softly. You reach for your phone, making a silly face and taking a selfie without her noticing. 

Grabbing her attention, you tilt the phone to show her the photo. You look like a dork, but your heart feels full when you see she’s gazing up at you with only absolute adoration visible on her face.

_First picture in our new house._ You smile to yourself.

She stretches up to give you a soft peck on the lips before standing up, holding out her hand. 

“C’mon we better start unpacking some of the boxes so we have less to take care of tomorrow.”

She pulls you down the stairs when you hear the sound of a car pulling up out front. You both head outside only to be greeted by Bucky and Steve. 

“What are you boys doing here? The housewarming party isn’t for another week.”

“We came to pick out our room of course.” Bucky has a shit-eating grin etched on his face.

“You both realize you have your own cabin… 10 minutes away from here? 5 if Steve does his ballerina run carrying Bucky bridal style.” You stand there, arms crossed, eyebrow raised. 

Your boys only grin at you each choosing to sling an arm across yours and your fiancé’s shoulders. 

“Yes, but who else is going to bother you and be a general nuisance in your down time? We need the best room in the house,” quips Steve.

“Well then, you’ll have to settle that with Wanda and Peter.”

“TOO LATE,” twin voices shout out from somewhere in the house.

Both men turn to you scandalized before immediately taking off deeper into the house while all you can do is watch and laugh.

Slowly, strong arms come to circle around your waist drawing herself into the warmth of your back. 

She presses a kiss to your shoulder and rests her forehead at the top of your spine.

_I love you._

**_I know, I know it's too soon, too fast  
But this could last  
I wanna share your address_ **

****_I know, I know it, it feels like love  
So let's shack up  
I wanna share your address_


	4. When the Party's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can't lose you. She already did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I… I am so sorry. 
> 
> So it turns out I have absolutely no self-control. I spent most of today writing this on my phone because it just wouldn’t leave me alone.
> 
> This happy ending just really does not want to come I’m so sorry. I have exactly 2 brain cells and both are dedicated to making me sad. I’m so sorry you have to suffer with me.
> 
> As always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

**_Don't you know I'm no good for you?  
I've learned to lose you, can't afford to_ **

_“I love you. I don’t want to.”_

_Natasha swears she hears something inside her shatter._

_She let you slip through her fingers… again._

_WHAM!_

The heavy weight of silence is only broken by the sounds of flesh beating against vinyl, reverberating throughout an empty gym.

Sweat makes its way down between stray rust-colored locks mingling with the trail of tears that leak out of viridian eyes. 

_I have no place in this world._

A pained cry is ripped out of shredded lips followed by the sound of blood dripping onto the wooden floor. 

She peers down and only then does she see the exposed abrasions on abused knuckles.

Tense form deflating, she drops to the ground, elbows on her knees, head gripped tightly in her curled fists. 

_“I’m sorry I don’t give you the strength you need to pursue your own happiness.”_

_“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”_

A broken sob falls out of her, unbidden.

Every atom in her body screams to be held in your arms. 

But no amount of screaming can undo decades of conditioning. 

_You make me happy._

_You’re the only one who can make me happy._

_But it seems like agony is the only thing I can ever bring you._

_You deserve better._

xxxx

**_Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'  
But nothin' ever stops you leavin'_ **

Red-rimmed (y/e/c) eyes remain unseeing, trained on a blurry wall. 

Nothing but white noise fills your head while whispered words of reassurance are mumbled into your hair from above.

Three pained and worried pairs of eyes _can do nothing but watch_ you in the hopes that you can navigate the sea of anguish you’re drowning in. 

_Hoping that you can return to them in one piece._

Across the room, two soldiers _can do nothing but watch_ while _one of their own_ is falling apart _right in front of them._

In your bed, a distressed mutant _can do nothing but watch_ while the closest thing she has left to a sibling falls apart _right in front of her._

Steady arms wrap themselves around you in an attempt to keep you anchored in reality.

They tighten as the maelstrom of your emotions threaten to pull her in and drown _her_ as well. 

_You should have known._

You had all the love in the world to give your sovereign angel.

But no amount of love could change the fact that she didn’t want it.

_That she didn’t want you._

The day you met her; your world turned on its axis. Everything just made sense.

Every part of you rewired itself. Until the only thing that mattered in your galaxy, was _her._

And now?

_You were at a loss._

You could have loved her until the end of time.

_If only she had let you._

xxxx

**_Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own  
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_ **

After the events of that night before, a somber atmosphere fell over the compound.

Wanda held you through the entire night while your boys stood vigil.

You finally fell into a fitful slumber but the broken whimpers that escaped your lips in quiet bursts ensured your friends could get no rest of their own.

Only the next morning, when they were pulled away for their separate duties, did they finally leave your side, but not before coaxing a promise from you to call for one of them should you need someone by your side. 

Over the next few days, neither you nor Natasha could be seen anywhere around the compound. Meals were left regularly at each of your doors. The only indication of signs of life: barely visible changes in the plated arrangements. 

The other avengers’ concern continued to rise, but on the 5th day, you emerged with a pained smile and an apology whispered from your lips to your worried family. 

If you strained, a collective sigh of relief could be heard around the compound as you presented yourself before them.

_A ghost of yourself, but you were there and that’s all that mattered for now._

xxxx

It was another few days later that Clint was able to crawl through the vents, dropping himself unceremoniously into Natasha’s room.

He casts his eyes around the tornado-torn room, spotting a lump of fabric curled in on itself at the top of the bed.

“Get up. You’re coming with me.”

“Leave.”

“No,” he rolls his eyes and yanks the covers away, revealing…

Blood-shot eyes glared up at him from a swollen face. Salt-stained tear tracks still visible on flushed cheeks.

“I told you to go.”

“And I told you, no.”  
Swiftly, he begins to move around the room, opening windows, airing out the sheets, throwing a bundle of clothes and a towel at her head.

“You’re going to shower and change. Then we’re going to go get you something substantial to eat and talk or else I’m going to have F.R.I.D.A.Y. email a copy of the footage from the day you had your wisdom tooth removed to everyone who works in this compound.”

Grumbling angrily, she moved to do as she’s told.

xxxx

Following her reluctant excursion outside her bedroom, she fell into a routine of training, missions, and more training. 

Occasionally, she would catch a glimpse of you wandering around the compound, but you were never alone.

Wanda, Steve, and Bucky had made it a point to ensure at least one of them were at your side at all times in case the redhead decided to approach you. Their protective streak over you had begun to reach vicious heights. In the even that none of them were available, they ensured they could pass you off to either Tony or Sam who were more than happy to keep you distracted enough that you wouldn’t slip into another borderline comatose state.

Even if she had the courage to, she didn’t know what she could possibly say. 

In the end, any moment with you two in the same room resulted in you passing each other like ships in the night. Neither of you could do anything but steadfastly look at anything that wasn’t the other. 

As time passed, Natasha grew more restless the longer she went without your presence in her orbit. 

Finishing another grueling sparring session against her partner, she thinks back to the day Clint dragged her to the diner.

She had come back to the compound in deep contemplation.

So, determined to believe that she could never let anyone truly see all of her, she had forgotten that Clint might have been the one person who could come the closest.

After being dragged out of the compound and made to eat at least 3 orders of some deluxe breakfast platter, thank you enhanced metabolism, she was launched directly into the most fatherly lecture on self-care she’d ever received.

_“I’m not going to tell you that what you pulled on (y/n) was okay because we both know it wasn’t. But I’m also your best friend and partner. I know you, Tasha. I’ve known you for years. You’re faced with unchartered territory, and you’re afraid.”_

_She moves to protest, but he ignores her._

_“It’s okay to be, but you can’t let your fears drown you. They were right. You deserve to let yourself be happy.”_

_“A word of advice? If you really want to prove that you’re worthy of them, you need to accept you’re worthy of love. That doesn’t mean you have to love yourself just yet. You just have to let them love you enough for the both of you until you can.”_

_“They want to give you the world. Their world. Give yourself time to wrap your head around it, then let them. Just don’t take too long. They won’t be there forever.”_

_He’s right._

She’s spent too many years keeping every person who’s ever dared to come close to her an arm’s length away. 

It was never really about protecting other people from her past. She only ever wanted to protect herself from the inevitable disappointment other people might find in _her_.

_Until you._

Since the moment she had met you, she knew you were different from every passing fancy she had ever felt. 

The thought of you getting her by her own hand crossed her mind so many times.

_And it terrified her._

You, who were sunlight personified. 

You, who always gazed at her so tenderly even when she could feel nothing but loathing for the monster she was made into. 

_You_ , who loved her.

_How could you?_

How could you look at her and see anything but the damaged shell of a woman who had everything stripped from her only to be filled with the wills of others?

Iron for bones. Gun powder in her bloodstream. 

_And yet…_

You saw something in her worth loving.

Maybe… just maybe…

_She could let herself love you too._

But before she can do that, she needs to figure out how to make it up to you. 

Maybe at tonight’s charity gala?

She’s walking through the halls of the compound, eyes trained on the floor when she hears the sound of a door closing. 

Iridescent emeralds spring up out of instinct, locking with (y/e/c). 

You’re alone.

Your eyes wander and your breath hitches when you realize the assassin is clad in nothing but her cropped workout attire. Quickly, you avert your eyes, staring straight ahead aiming to continue on your way.

A part of her dies just a little when she sees how determined you are not to look at her.

_Demand your attention._

_No._

She doesn’t have that right.

_Not yet._

Shaking off the sudden urge to pull you into her arms and never letting go, she forces herself to continue moving further away from you.

Neither of you notice when the other turns around. 

Maybe it’s better that way.

**_I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_ **

xxxx

You’re in the middle of rummaging through your closet for the gala, when you hear F.R.I.D.A.Y. announce that your favorite boy scout is at the door. 

You call out for her to let him in while you’re still sifting through clothes when, suddenly, your feet can no longer feel the floor. 

You laugh and the air is nearly knocked out of your lungs as a rush of pure gratefulness washes over your entire being.

_Thank Odin I have my family._

They really have gone above and beyond to give you in infallible support system. You resolve to do something nice for them later.

When you’re set back down, you turn only to be met with the widest grin you’ve ever seen on the American hero’s face. Cerulean orbs shine with pride and excitement. 

You don’t remember anything that could have possibly warranted this expression from him. 

You wait for him to speak but he stays completely silent, only opting to keep beaming at you.

_This is starting to get uncomfortable._

“Could you stop being a creep and just spit it out already?”

His brows draw together in mock offense, but he can’t hold it and suddenly you’re being lifted off the ground again.

“STEVEN GRANT ROGERS PUT ME DOWN AND EXPLAIN. I HAVE A POCKET TAZER AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.”

“Oomf-!”

You’re unceremoniously dropped to the ground, the supersoldier suddenly across the room.

It’s not an empty threat, you’ve followed through before when he ate the last of Bruce’s brownies not realizing it was being saved for you. 

Still, he starts to vibrate in excitement before you.

“Can you spit it out alr-”

“You’ll never guess who called!”

If you didn’t know any better, you would have thought Steve was possessed by the spirit of a teenaged girl mooning over her first crush.

“The Smithsonian wants you to pose as a living fossil exhibit?”

He squawks. 

“Rude. But no. I just got off the phone with Professor Charles Xavier. There’s a new teaching position opening at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and they want you to fill it. They’ve seen the iron-clad control you have over your powers and they want you to help pass that on to the kids.”

He’s still grinning but it falls when he sees the hesitation on your face.

“Why aren’t you excited?”

You let out a soft sigh.

“When I was younger, this would have been my biggest dream… but what about you guys? You’re my family. I’d love the opportunity, but I can’t just leave you all behind. You mean too much to me.”

A part of him is deeply touched at the knowledge that you would be willing to give up your dreams just for them. But he knows he can’t let you do that.

“You joined us because you’ve always wanted to help people like you, (y/n). This is your chance to really do that. Don’t pass it up just for us. We’ll always be here, ready and waiting for you. We’re only a jet ride away and I’m sure with all the gizmos Tony has laying around, we can rig some type of communication system that’ll make it seem like we’re right next to each other.”

He pauses to think.

“We have to make sure it’s not a hologram or else Buck is never going to stop trying to perfect his ghost impression.”

You can’t help but to laugh at the thought.

“It’s not a guaranteed yes, but I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask.”

A silence falls around the room, before he opens his mouth again.

“Any other reason why you might be hesitating?”

He’s caught you.

No matter how much you’ve tried to hide it from the team, you couldn’t deny the fact that Natasha Romanoff still remained in possession of your heart.

You might be her sunlight, but she was _your sun_. Gravity would always pull you to her no matter how much pain it brought you.

As much as you hated it, a small part of you couldn’t help but hold some hope that if you just waited long enough, you’d finally get through to her. 

Still, you couldn’t forget your last interaction with her.

_Proceed with caution, Icarus._

xxxx

**_Don't you know too much already?  
I'll only hurt you if you let me_ **

The gathering has already started when Natasha is putting the finishing touches on her attire for the night. She smoothes down the midnight blue toned silk fabric that trails behind her as she gives her reflection one last glance.

_Tonight._

She’s going to finally garner the courage to tell you she’s willing to try.

_If you’ll still have her._

She makes her way into the ballroom and makes a bee line towards where she sees Clint and Tony. 

“You clean up nicely,” winks Tony.

“As if you didn’t know,” she quips.

“And she’s back! We missed you, red. Where’ve you been?”

She glances around the room trying to spot you.

“I’ve been trying to get my head screwed on straight. I think I’ve finally done it.”

She allows herself to give a small smile. 

Tony leans in to give her a kiss on the cheek before whispering in her ear.

“We just want to see you both happy, Natasha. Don’t let her get away again.”

“I don’t plan to.”

He gives her a serious nod before stepping away to schmooze the masses and whatever else it is Tony Stark does to keep the presses’ attention.

Clint holds out his arm, “Shall we?”

_Things are finally starting to look up._

“We shall.”

Together, they begin a circuit around the room in search of you. Their heads are pressed together as they whisper a plan to get Clint to distract whoever is with you while she brings you out to the balcony to talk.

Only…

When she finally spots you, you’re spinning around the dance floor in Wanda’s arms. Your head is thrown back with careless abandon, laughter adorning your every feature.

_You’re glowing._

She hesitates. 

Clint, seeing her trepidation, tightens his grip on her arm.

“Let’s get you some liquid courage. We’re going to get you your love, don’t worry too much.”

_How could she not when you looked so perfect together?_

As they approach the bar, Clint signaled the bar tender asking for a shot of their strongest liquor.

Before he can move away with the bottle, she stops him, reaching over to pluck it from his grasp. 

She begins to drink straight from the opening.

“Maybe slow down a bit?”

_Liquid courage indeed_

xxxx

As the music transitions into a slower song, you and Wanda begin to sway in place.

“Penny for your thoughts, Cosmo?”

Her head rests just under your chin, your emotions flow over her in waves.

_Trepidation_

_Contemplation_

_Longing_

You really can’t hide anything from a psychic.

“I… I miss her.”

“Oh Draga, we know.”

“If it helps, she misses you too.”

_How-?_

Seeing the look in your eyes, she taps her temple.

Suddenly, _you have hope._

You squeeze Wanda tightly and begin to sway more earnestly.

xxxx

An empty bottle thumps on marble. 

Clint has long since been accosted by a benefactor with a particular penchant for archaic bows.

She sways in her seat as she watches you hold the brunette in bring the brunette in your arms closer to yourself.

She’s far too drunk to read your lips. 

Her imagination betrays her.

_“They won’t be there forever.”_

_He was right._

_Did she wait too long?_

She turns her body, ready to ask for a new bottle when she loses her balance and begins to tumble from her seat.

An arm reaches out to steady her.

She draws back, ready to snap when she sees (y/e/c) eyes and locks of (y/h/c) come into her field of vision. They don’t quite match yours. The eyes are too dull, too muddied. The hair just the slightest shade too light. But it’s close.

xxxx

The song comes to an end. You lower yourself into an overly exaggerated bow in a show of faux chivalry. Wanda laughs and returns it with a clumsy curtsey.

She links her arm with yours, deciding to get you a drink before helping you search for your elusive redhead.

As you both approach the bar, she’s immediately dragged to a halt as you seem frozen in place.

xxxx

In her drunken haze, she allowed herself to pretend that the pretty face her fingers traced belonged to you. 

In her mind’s eye, you were a vision of stunning beauty that the heavenly bodies in the night sky could never _hope_ to replicate. 

_You are starlight and she would gladly dedicate the rest of her life to watching you shine._

All she wanted to do, _was reach you_.

She leans forward, and lips collide. 

xxxx

A strangled gasp leaves your throat. 

When you see her gazing at another so tenderly, you feel an ice-cold spear plunge into the deepest pit of your stomach.

_Oh._

So she _could_ love someone.

_Just not you._

Agony constricts around your chest in a vice-like grip.

_I can’t be here._

Wanda tries to pull you into her side, but you rip yourself from her grip and _run_.

_She sees_ **_RED._**

Suddenly, Natasha feels her spine collide against cold marble with a hard _SMACK_ across her face.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!” She bellows.

Natasha is struck dumb, cradling her cheek with one hand while attempting to loosen the iron grip the young witch has on her dress. 

The commotion draws the attention of those gathered. Bucky and Steve immediately make their way over alarmed. They see a glimpse of you exiting the room on the other side of the gala.

“What’s going on over here?”

Natasha looks to her left to feel her heart drop into her stomach. 

_It’s not you._

_Oh God._

_What have I_ **_done?_**

Distantly, she can hear Wanda screaming at her while she looks around for you. 

Panic settles in her chest when she can’t find you. 

“They’re not fucking _here_. You made sure of that when you went and locked lips with a complete _STRANGER_. I knew you had issues, but I can’t believe even _you_ could stoop this low,” she all but growls. 

“Where are they?”

Bucky steps in, “Why the _hell_ would we tell you?” He sends her a menacing glare.

“Where. The. Fuck. ARE THEY?”

“They left through the back hall. If you hurry, you might still catch them.”

_She sprints._

Bucky shakes his head in disbelief, rounding on Steve.

“Why would you tell her?!”  
He grimaces but nods his head in finality.

“This needs to play itself out.”

xxxx

**_Call me friend but keep me closer (call me back)  
And I'll call you when the party's over_ **

Natasha has never moved faster in her life. Not when she ran away from the Red Room. Not even when Clint was bleeding out and dying in her arms.

Taking a fast turn around the corner, she slams headfirst into a solid body. She rears back ready to toss an apology before she takes off again only for all motor functions to come to a halt. 

_It’s you._

Tears stream down your face. Hair mussed. Clothes rumpled.

_She did this._

“(Y/n)-”

“Please don’t.”

“No- wait- I can explain-”

You hold up a hand. Something between a broken chuckle and a choked sob escapes your lips without your consent.

“No need. We were never anything more than friends.”

**_Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own  
And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_ ******

****_This feels familiar._ ** **

****She sees something shifting in your eyes.** **

******_Yeah, I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_ ** ** **

****_No. No. No._ ** **

******_But nothin' is better sometimes  
Once we've both said our goodbyes_ ** ** **

****Something deep in her mind whispers: _if you let's you leave now, she’ll lose you forever._** **

****You can’t help but let your eyes trace her face. You commit the broken angel before you to memory.** **

****_This is the last time._ ** **

******_Let's just let it go  
Let me let you go_ ** ** **

****You take a slow step backwards.** **

****She follows you.** **

****You take another.** **

****She matches you.** **

****You turn fully. Walking away from the love of your life.** **

****Her hand latches onto yours.** **

****She clings desperately to the only lifeline she’s ever known.** **

****“Let me go Natasha.”** **

******_“Please.”_** She whispers.** **

****_“You have to let me go.”_ ** **

****_She can’t lose you._ ** **

****_“I can’t lose you.”_ ** **

****_She already did._ ** **

****_“You already did.”_ ** **

****_“Goodbye, Talia.”_ ** **

********_Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own  
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_ ** **


	5. Cellophane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Didn't I do it for you? Why don't I do it for you?
> 
> A glimpse of how you both fell together before you both fell apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys sick of me yet? It’s okay if the answer is yes. I am too. 
> 
> This takes place between a few months before Guest Room and spans until the end of When the Party’s Over. I recommend reading pts. 1-3 first but it can still be read as a stand alone. It covers the times when you’re both kept apart by your friends and each other. This chapter alternates between flashbacks from before Guest Room and ones that we haven’t seen yet.
> 
> Song referenced is "Cellophane" by FKA twigs

Burnt auburn cascades down toned shoulders. Muffled laughter fills the air. Two bodies lay closely in the moonlight. Heated skin pressed together with no barriers slick with rapidly cooling sweat.

A soft rustling of the sheets gives way to the feeling of a warm body pulling itself closer to you until you feel a head burrow its way under your chin, small puffs of air blowing across your jaw.

Supple limbs tangle themselves in yours as your own move to pull this new warmth closer to yourself. 

“I didn’t take you for a cuddler, Romanoff.”

A breathy chuckle ruffles your hair.

“I’m not… but that performance warranted a change.”

A pleased glow fills you as you pull the goddess in your arms further into you.

A quiet beat later…

“When we’re alone, call me Talia.”

_Is this love?_

xxxx

_“You? Me? We’re nothing. There is nothing to try. You’re a good fuck (y/l/n) but that’s all this can be. If you’re not satisfied with that, then tough shit. I’m sorry.”_

_How did we get here?_

**_Didn't I do it for you?  
Why don't I do it for you?_ **

xxxx

Rapid clicking and muttered curses echo throughout the room. Your eyes are glued to the screen in front of you, a deep-set furrow in your brow. 

“I can hear you growling.”

“Shut up, Talia.”

Your chest vibrates as the redhead nestled between your legs throws her head back in laughter. You wince when your ears are pierced by a triumphant shout, followed by a condescending “YAHOO” that comes from the television. 

Groaning in frustration, you throw down the controller in your hands before wrapping your arms tighter around your secret lover, burrowing your head into her shoulder refusing to watch her character gloat with a victory dance.

Her shoulders shake with mirth as she leans back into you. 

“Quit being such a sore loser. It’s not my fault you suck at this game.”

“I just don’t understand! You’ve never even _heard_ of Mario Kart until an hour ago! You lied to me! Treason!”

She presses a kiss to your cheek, as she moves out of your arms and off the bed. She stands before you, stretching her limbs, and suddenly all thoughts of losing escape your head. You’re caught in a stupefied trance as your eyes trail across the smooth expanse of exposed creamy skin, lingering on an old bullet wound peaking just above her waistline. 

“I have to head out. Rogers is expecting me to help train new recruits in a few minutes.”

Preoccupied, all you can do is nod absentmindedly as she smirks to herself and makes her way to the door, pausing to check if there’s anyone around who might see her slipping out of your room.

“Hey.”

Her head turns to you as she prepares to walk out, “Hmm?”

Still coming out of your stupor, your mouth opens to bid goodbye.

Only instead…

“I like you.” Two pairs of eyes widen.

“What?”

_Oh shit._

_Too late to take it back now._

“I like you.”

She’s silent. 

You shuffle to the edge of the bed on your knees in an attempt to move closer to her.

“I really, _really_ , like you.”

You’re nervous but you force yourself to keep your eyes on her. 

She’s frozen and tense. She seems to shake herself before an unreadable look crosses her face. She turns her back to you and exits.

All you hear:

“Don’t,” casually thrown over her shoulder.

_Oh._

_You really should have known._

xxxx

**_Why won't you do it for me?  
When all I do is for you?_ **

You don’t see her for several days after that. Each moment away from her brings with it a new feeling.

_Doubt.  
Insecurity.  
Self-hatred._

But just like that, she’s by your side again as if nothing ever happened.

You never speak about what transpired between the two of you, in fear that it will cause the assassin to disappear on you again.

Time begins to pass as it did before. When you’re not spending time with your favorite super soldiers, you find yourself always in the company of your favorite Russian.

Hours spent locked away in conference rooms filling out back-logged mission reports result in heavy petting against cold filing cabinets.

Trips to pick up the team’s groceries lead to long kisses in the back of your car hidden in secluded parking lots.

Late nights watching cheesy romantic comedies, that the redhead insists she hates but always chooses herself, end in you undressed and tangled in each other’s arms. 

_And yet._

You can’t help but notice.

When others join you, there’s a coldness to her that leaves a deep contrast between who she is in the moment and the woman who whispers sweet nothings in your ear with you buried between her sheets. 

There are days when you’re alone. She’ll bring you close to her, ensnaring you with her _everything_ , before she shoves you away just as quickly as she pulls you in right before a new set of footsteps enter the room. 

She’ll sit there, the perfect picture of casual disregard while you’re left reeling, in a daze, wondering what just happened.

_This isn’t healthy._

xxxx

_Cool metal fingertips softly run along your temples in a soothing massage as both men turn to you in mildly concerned curiosity._

_“Am I unlovable?” leaves your mouth in a broken whisper._

_“Well what do you want me to say?”_

_“TELL ME I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU! TELL ME THAT EVERY MINUTE I SPEND, PRAYING TO ANYONE WHO’LL HEAR ME FOR EVEN AN IOTA OF YOUR AFFECTION ISN’T A WASTE OF BREATH!”  
“Tell me you feel the same way I do,” you whisper as your voice cracks._

_Tears in her own eyes, “I can’t,” Natasha exhales without making eye contact._

_“Okay.”_

_You should have known._

xxxx

_“Hey Nat. Been a while.”_

_You didn’t call her Talia.  
A wave of pain passes through her, but she refuses to let it show. _

_She steps towards you, “Hi (y/n/n),” she responds softly._

_“Listen I-”_

_“Can we-”_

_You both let out a nervous chuckle._

_“Sorry. Go ahead, you first,” she says._

_“Listen, Nat. I owe you an apology.”_

_She stills. What could you possibly have to apologize for? You’re not the one who broke the heart of the love of your life just because_ you _had commitment issues._

_Stop that. They aren’t the love of your anything._

What? Where did that even come from. She tamps down her emotions, opting to revisit them later.

All she wants is you back in her arms the way you were before. How does she get you there?

_She opens her mouth to interrupt but you press on._

_“It wasn’t fair of me to try to push you into something you clearly weren’t comfortable with. You made it clear that you didn’t love me the way I loved you. I never wanted to make you feel like I would demand anything of you. You’re more than entitled to your own feelings and it wasn’t okay for me to project what I felt onto you.”_

_Frozen in place, her mind can only focus on two words._

Loved? Felt?

What changed? Did she really lose you while you were away?

**_Did she push you straight into Wanda’s arms when she was too afraid to pull you into hers?_ **

Alarms start to shrilly ring in her ears, but all she can do is keep the tears at bay until she’s sure you can no longer see her. 

_“It’s okay (y/n/n). I understand where you came from and I’m partially to blame for letting things go on for as long as they did without taking your feelings into consideration.”_

She’s lying. It’s not okay. It’s killing her.

_“Friends?”_

Somewhere in the deep recesses of her brain, there’s a part of her that was never tainted by her scars. It screams that this is WRONG. You mean more to her than a friend. It knows she means the same to you.

She ignores it. 

_Instead, she smiles and nods opening her arms._

_You gingerly step into her embrace, one arm comes up holding her shoulder while the other gently cups the back of her head in a familiar hold._

_Her arms come up to wrap themselves around your middle, squeezing slightly._

_If either of you noticed the other inhale just a little deeper, neither of you chose to comment._

**_She can’t afford to lose you so she’ll settle for taking what she can get._ **

xxxx

**_They want to see us, want to see us alone  
They want to see us, want to see us apart  
They want to see us, want to see us alone  
They want to see us, want to see us apart_ **

It’s been several days since you and your team returned from your extended mission. Despite your talk with Natasha in the hall upon your return, you rarely see the redhead in the compound.

You spend most of your days in the company of your Brooklyn Boys. With your new strengthened bond with Wanda, she was easily adopted into the fold.

You don’t even notice that all the time you used to set aside for a certain redheaded assassin has quickly been taken by your friends… until you do.

The feeling comes to you gradually. A sort of pervasive emptiness. A hollow cavity in your chest that somehow feels like it contains the weight of a black hole. 

It’s only then that you realize, you’re still trapped in her orbit. 

You absentmindedly rub the empty space in your chest when a deep rumbling cuts across your thoughts. 

_What the fuck is that?_

Suddenly, the steady strumming of electric instrumentals blast from F.R.I.D.A.Y.S.’ speakers around the room.

_Is that?  
IT IS._

Three figures each clad in various K.I.S.S. costumes slide in through the double doors of the common area. Suddenly, you’re being serenaded by two brunettes and a blonde as they scream the lyrics to “Rock and Roll All Nite” in your face with wide grins while your hand flies up to smack across the bottom of your face.

A snort escapes from your covered mouth and suddenly a matching wig and black tanktop is thrust into your line of sight, three pairs of eyebrows wiggle suggestively in eager anticipation.

You can’t help it.

Immediately, you change your attire, belting the lyrics at the top of your lungs alongside them. All four of you jump around on the couches, playing electric instruments.

_Mission accomplished_ , they all share conspiring grins while you’re busy rocking to the beat of the music.

“What the hell is all this noise?”

Four heads turn to the entrance of the room only to be met with a surprised, raised eyebrow from a confused redhead.

You sheepishly step down from the couch ready to apologize for the noise when Bucky jumps down beside you, slinging an arm around your shoulders and effectively silencing you. 

“Don’t worry about it. We were just leaving,” he remarks gruffly. He pulls you along followed by Steve and Wanda. He roughly bodychecks Natasha out of the way and you’re quick to slap his non-metal shoulder in reprimand before you turn your head slightly to look back at her. 

She stand forlornly staring at the space you had just occupied. Her head turns to watch you leave. You make eye contact.

_She looks… broken?_

xxxx

**_And I, just want to feel you're there  
And I don't want to have to share our love_ **

The first time Natasha spoke to you, you were still fairly new to the team. You’d known Steve for years as you were the consultant assigned to bring him up to speed with the rest of the 21st century. 

She’d seen glimpses of you in the past whenever you would visit the compound to drag the man out on yet another excursion to the outside world. Your visits became even more frequent when Barnes was introduced into the fold. She’d heard rumors that the men had brought you into their tight knit circle, but she never really gave you a passing thought.  
It wasn’t until Tony had discovered your immense control over Nature’s elements that she really took the time to notice you. 

Those passing glimpses hadn’t done you any justice. 

She didn’t realize it, but there was something about you that immediately drew her in. 

Every interaction with you had her leaning in like a meadow flower in the shade desperately reaching towards the sunlight. 

_She should have known you were different from the start._

xxxx

_“I really, really, like you.”_

_“Don’t.”_

Panic. That was all that looped through Natasha’s mind. 

_Did you mean it?_

A warmth bloomed within her as a small smile graced her face before it was quickly replaced by absolute dread.

_You can’t._

There was so much blood on her hands. So much red in her ledger. What would happen to you if you got too close? If you tore down her walls, only to decide that what you saw inside wasn’t good enough for you? Would never _be_ good enough for you?

And so, she resolves to keep her distance. 

_It didn’t work._

xxxx

**_I try, but I get overwhelmed  
When you're gone I have no one to tell_ **

Try as she might, she can’t escape her thoughts of you in the days she avoids you. 

Even when you’re not near, she hears the ghost of your laughter ringing in her ears. 

Late at night, phantom limbs tangle themselves around her as she smells the lingering scent of you in her sheets.   
She sees the shadows of your presence in every waking moment of the day. It drives her crazy when you begin to pervade her dreams as well. 

So, she gives in. She ignores the deep-rooted feelings of _home_ you inspire within her. Opting to spend her time with you, willfully ignorant of just how far she’s falling. 

_Until you don’t let her ignore it anymore._

xxxx

**And I, just want to feel you're there  
And I don't want to have to share our love  
I try but I get overwhelmed**

She watches you continue to be led further away from her from the entrance of the common room. When you glance back at her, she thinks she sees a hint of longing in your eyes that mirror what just _might_ be found in her own.

With you, she was weightless. Gravity could no longer hold her when she basked in your warm glow. 

But without you?

Without you she’s trapped in a cold, steel prison cell of her own design. Forced to watch you continue to share your light _just_ out of reach from where her trembling fingers outstretch themselves through unrelenting bars. 

_She needs you._

xxxx

**_All wrapped in cellophane, the feelings that we had  
And didn't I do it for you?_ **

_“Cold?”_

_“Yeah,” she nods. Attempting to burrow herself further into your clothes._

_You pull her closer to you until her legs are resting over yours, head tucked under your chin, puffs of air tickling your sensitive neck._

Bad move, (y/l/n).

_“God, I fucking love you.”_

_The damage can’t be undone._

xxxx

**_Why don't I do it for you?_ **

The way she pushes you away is so _familiar_.

You’re stuck in time as you watch her rip herself out of your arms in a way you’re intimately acquainted with. 

_You know you’ve been here before._

xxxx

**_Why won't you do it for me?_ **

You know she feels something for you by the soft tenderness reflected in her eyes every moment you’ve held her in the privacy of a late night. 

You know because you’re sure she sees the same sight when she looks into your own.

_If you’re sunlight, she is your_ **_sun_**. _A life sustaining force that you know you can never live without._

“She feels the same,” you think to yourself.

_She_ **_has_** _to._

xxxx

**_When all I do is for you?_ **

_You would spend the rest of your life loving her if she would just let you._

**_And didn't I do it for you?_ **

But, the longer she stands in front of you, refusing to listen, the further your doubts begin to creep in,

_Maybe she really doesn’t feel the same?_

xxxx

**_Why won't I do it for you?_ **

Maybe I’m just a lovesick fool.

**_Why won't you do it for me?_ **

_“Why do you keep running from me? Am I so repulsive that the very thought of being with me has you running for the hills?”_

_“Not everything is about you, (y/l/n),” she bites out._

She’s panicking.

_“No. You always do this! Every time I think we’ve gotten to a good place; you freeze me out.”_

Why can’t you understand that this is the best she could ever give you?

_“That’s the thing! We were in a good place! We were having fun. We had each other when we needed it and nothing more! We were so good like that. We can still be like that!”_

**_Please._ **

**_She’s begging you._ **

**_Please understand._ **

**_Don’t let me go._ **

_“It’s not enough.”_

Her heart shatters. She chokes back a sob.

_“Why can’t this be enough?!” she cries._

_“This_ has _to be enough,” she whispers looking at anything but you._

_“This could be so much more. Let me love you the way you deserve.”_

_Staring into your eyes, she can see you dying a little more inside the longer she stays silent._

**_She knows you are because, inside, so is_** **she.**

**_When all I do is for you?_ **

_“I’m always going to love you Natasha Romanoff. But I owe it to the both of us to know this won’t be enough for me. This can’t be enough for me.”_

Her breathe is caught in her throat. 

_No. Please don’t._

_“I love you, I don’t want to,” you breathe out._

_No._

A tidal wave of anguish slams into her and all she can do is let it sweep her away.

_“I’m sorry I don’t give you the strength you need to pursue your own happiness. I really hope you find someone who does. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”_

**_YOU MAKE ME HAPPY._ **

**_JUST SAY IT!_ **

Her vocal cords fail her. 

_“Bye Tasha.”_

You haven’t called her Talia since the last day you left her room.

_With her prolonged silence, your resolve hardens._

xxxx

**_But I, just want to feel you're there_ **

Wanda leads you away from her… _again._

xxxx

**_And I don't want to have to share our love  
I try but I get overwhelmed_ **

_No. No no no. NO._

She can’t _LOSE_ you.

_“(Y/n) wait-”_

_“Haven’t you done enough?”_

**_She doesn’t have TIME for this._ **

_“And what do you know about what I’ve done?” She shoves him away._

_“I know you hurt them! AGAIN!” he snarls, “You need to get your shit together before I’ll even THINK about letting you come anywhere NEAR (y/n) again, Romanoff.”_

_“YOU CAN’T KEEP ME FROM THEM”_ is screamed from every atom of her being.

_“Big surprise, her guard dog immediately snaps to attention at the first sign of trouble. Tell me Barnes, does your master feed you well?”_

_She regrets her outburst immediately, but she’s too angry, too frustrated, too exhausted to take it back._

Just let her run to you. _Please._

_“Don’t forget who trained you, Natalia.”_

xxxx

**_When you're gone, I have no one to tell_ **

_As she catches a glimpse of the hall leading to your room, all she can think is one thing._

**_She let you slip through her fingers… again._ **

_Please. Wait for me._

xxxx

**_They're waiting  
They're watching  
They're watching us_ **

_“This time is_ **_worse_** _,”_ she thinks to herself.

You’re kept from her again, only now it’s not just your inner circle who pulls you away from her.

The team works in tandem to ensure you’re never in the same room alone together. 

A barrier has formed between you. 

_One that she’s not sure she’ll be able to scale._

xxxx

**_They're hating  
They're waiting_ **

_“WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!” She bellows._

A stinging pain lingers on the side of her face while the young Maximoff in front of her keeps a tight grip on her gown. Fists glowing a deep scarlet. A dark shade that matches the blood she is ready to spill, her anger roiling off her in waves.

Natasha ignores her. Her eyes desperately seek yours.

_“They’re not fucking here. You made sure of that when you went and locked lips with a complete_ STRANGER. _I knew you had issues, but I can’t believe even you could stoop this low,” she all but growls._

She doesn’t have time for this.

_“Where are they?”_

_Bucky steps in, “Why the hell would we tell you?” He sends her a menacing glare._

She won’t let him delay her again.

_“Where. The. Fuck. ARE THEY?”_

Her ledger is already dripping with blood. She’s not above adding more.

_“They left through the back hall. If you hurry, you might still catch them.”_

Her legs carry her faster than wind.

_Bucky shakes his head in disbelief, rounding on Steve._

_“Why would you tell her?!”_

_He grimaces but nods his head in finality._

_“This needs to play itself out.”_

He sends up a silent prayer to anyone who may be listening.

_Please. Don’t let us lose them for good._

xxxx

**_And hoping_ **

_Taking a fast turn around the corner, she slams headfirst into a solid body. She rears back ready to toss an apology before she takes off again only for all motor functions to come to a halt.  
It’s you._

_Tears stream down your face. Hair mussed. Clothes rumpled._

**_She did this._ ******

****Every corner of her mind yells obscenities, demanding her to _fix this._** **

****For once, her heart and her mind are in agreement.** **

****You’re still in front of her. You didn’t run the moment her presence entered your atmosphere.** **

****Desperate to have you understand, she allows herself to hope.** **

****Just a little.** **

****She _needs_ you to know what you mean to her.** **

****She can’t live without you.** **

****_Her sunlight. Her starlight. Her entire universe._ ** **

****She draws in a nervous breath.** **

****_“(Y/n)-”_ ** **

****_“Please don’t”_ ** **

******_Please. No…_ ** ** **

****_“No- wait- I can explain-”_ ** **

****She swears she can hear her _soul_ **cry** , _“LET ME EXPLAIN. PLEASE.”_** **

****_You hold up a hand. Something between a broken chuckle and a choked sob escapes your lips without your consent._ ** **

****_She’s breaking you. She doesn’t know how to stop._ ** **

****_This feels_ **_familiar._**** **

****_Something deep in her mind whispers:_ **_if you let them leave now, you’ll lose them forever._**** **

****Your eyes take in the trail of tears that slowly begin to frame her face.** **

****_Are you… you_ **_are._**  
 _No. no no no no no no. You CAN’T._** **

****_Her hand latches onto yours._ ** **

****_She clings desperately to the only lifeline she’s ever known._ ** **

****_“Let me go Natasha.”_ ** **

****_Never._ ** **

******_“Please.”_** _She whispers._** **

****_She won’t lose you._ ** **

****_She CAN’T lose you._ ** **

****_“You have to let me go”_ ** **

****_SHE CAN’T LOSE YOU._ ** **

****_“I can’t lose you.”_ ** **

****_She already did._ ** **

****_“You already did.”_ ** **

****_No. Please. No._ ** **

****_“Goodbye, Talia.”_ ** **

******_I'm not enough_ ** ** **


End file.
